Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Mama Roscoe and other stories...

What's up y'all? To the few people who still check on my blog, wetin dey now? I know I said I was back last week, but it's been hard to sit at my laptop for more than a couple of seconds in the past couple of weeks men. With the blazing heat, beautiful women and full time jollofing in Yankee, I haven't been able to bring myself to type tory for una men, but no vex.

I can't front; a few months ago I would have found the time to update no matter where in the world I was. It's just not the same anymore though. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging anymore, it's just that everytime I get on I realise how much everything has changed around here. Alaye's gone for good, Taurean Minx is now a full time photoblogger, Chameleon doesn't update as much, Bella and Idemili went private, and Bimbylads puts up novel excerpts now. I love you Bimbs, but I miss the razz old Bimbylads of back in the day. Damn, things done changed!

Okay, I don vent finish. Man, I've been having an amazing holiday o. I hadn't been back to the states since I moved to England, and I've fallen in love with this place all over again. In fact I wonder how I survived in London for a year. Enjoyment dey Yankee, kai!

I've spent a couple of weeks in my old city just reliving my college days. These Yankee babes no fit change. Lord have mercy. I don't know if it's the food or the weather, but God definitely spent extra time on these girls men. I've been getting my Denzel on HARD over here o, in fact I wish I could give you the full gist but this is a PG blog.

Before you start talking long story, Fineboy is single at the moment o. So allow me. AND NO QUESTIONS PLEASE! Gbe boruns. But on the real, I understand why people stick with one partner for years and years. The number of weres that you meet when you're dating eh? Kai. I met some chick on my first friday out here, let's call her Giselle. Correct looking babe o, she looked kinda like a black Giselle Bundchen. No lie. We had a couple of phone conversations and hooked up one sunday night to get dinner. All through the date, the babe just kept on talking about her baby Roscoe. Roscoe this. Roscoe that. Roscoe's so cute. He's so smart, he's so discerning, I love him. Blah blah blah.

Ask me who Roscoe be o? Her dog. I said na wa. I just kept nodding my head like I was really interested in the damn mutt. She now told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because the guy didn't respect Roscoe. Chei. I wasn't about to act like I didn't send the dog o. Na so I begin ask questions.

"How old is Rossy?"

"What's his favorite game?"

"Does he do tricks?"

The babe was getting excited o. She was really describing the dog and all the "funny little things he does." Me I was bored outta my mind but I no wan eff up the chances of booty now, ah ah! So I played along o.

She said, "We should hang out at my crib tomorrow. So Roscoe and Princess can get used to having a man around the house. I think you're gonna be their new daddy."


Na your own papa go be dog daddy.

I didn't say that o. I just smiled and said, "Oh of course."

Kai, things we do for yansh.

I drove up to her apartment the following night. The whole time I was thinking she'd have the dogs leashed on her patio or balcony or something. Men, not so o. These two little devil animals were running up and down her apartment. When she opened the door, I was stunned. They were tiny! I don't know if I missed the part when she said they were chihuahas, but these morrafuckas were ugly as hell.

Na so I siddon on top couch o. See dog hair everywhere. Na wa o. I thought to myself "E be like say na this one and dog go dey sleep on top bed." Damn. The female one just appeared from nowhere and landed on my lap, wagging its tail like crazy. See disrespect. My first instinct was to slap this rat-lookalike off my lap, but the chick sat down next to me, smiling.

"Aww, how sweet. She likes you."

I was cringing men. E be like say the dog dey smell sef. The dog now started coming closer to me, licking and all sorts. Ah ah! This dog no fear sha.

"She wants a kiss."

From who? E no go better for dog and owner men.

Ah ah! I was just imagining this happening in Nige. Them never born any dog to come and be standing on it's oga's lap. The slap wey e go chop ehn? I kept trying to avoid the thing's tongue, I swear it was just licking my hand and everything. I wan throw up men. When Giselle got up to go get something from her bedroom, if you see the way I threw the dog off me ehn? Americans don crase.

We ended up ordering pizza, and when it came, na so the dogs begin dey dance o. Wagging their tails and everything. I was thinking in my head, "Why are these ones celebrating? You're not getting shishi out of this grub men." Giselle put the pizza on the center table and opened the box and omo, both dogs just jumped on the couch and started staring at the box. Ah ah. Me I quickly pulled out a big slice and bit into it, because I wan make sure say I chop at least one before one of these ugly bingos begin put tongue on top my pizza.

Giselle- No baby, you can't have the crust. Okay here's a piece of beef.

She took off a chunk of ground beef and put it in Princess' mouth. The dog took it and licked her finger. This morrafucking girl took that same hand and rubbed it on the couch! Yeeeee! I couldn't believe it. Roscoe started standing upright on its hind legs begging for grub too. She took off another piece and put it into his mouth, then she licked her finger.

Jesus Christ! God forbid say I go kiss this one. Emi ko. Not me.

The babe left the room to answer her phone one time and I saw that Roscoe dog going towards the box.

Me- Kai! Kurombe!

Roscoe- Growl

Me (whispering)- My friend gerraway from there!!!

Roscoe- Grrrr.....

Me (whispering)- You're growling at me. You think you can fight me?

I kicked the morrafucka away from the box. It yelped and came back. I gave it another nice Jackie Chan kick and it rolled to the side of the sofa. Bastard dog.

My people, please don't think I'm cruel to animals o. In fact I love dogs, but these ones no get respect men. When Giselle came back, the dog started barking loudly. I didn't even answer the were, I just kept on chopping my pizza.

Giselle- Aww, what's wrong Ros? You know you can't eat the crust because of the gluten. Okay here's a piece of beef baby.

I looked at her. In my mind, I was just thinking, "Plus you o, plus your dogs o, all of you don crase." Who talks to dogs like they're human beings? Come dey explain diet for them again.

Me- Why can't they eat the crust?

Giselle- Because gluten's bad for dogs' digestive systems. They can't eat bread.

Me- All dogs?

Giselle- Yeah. Dogs don't eat bread.

Mumu. My dogs in Nige dey chop bread, egg, yam, stew, anything. In fact I remember one dog that Akinzo had like that, Muritala. This dog used to eat cake with icing. I swear.

Men, when we finished the pizza, I noticed that the chick didn't even wash her hands. She now wanted to be hugging me and kissing on me. See the way I exited the place ehn? Nonsense.

The whole dog experience took my mind back to Nigeria. Like we love our pets and stuff in Nige, but dogs no dey sit on top couch inside house o. In fact, remember how houseboys and drivers in Nige always feel like you're giving your dogs too much luxury? I don't know what it is about drivers in particular, but men, all our dogs have always hated one driver or the other.

I remember one time as a little kid, I was sitting outside talking to one of our drivers, Baba Alao, and eating a piece of grilled chiken at the same time. One of our dogs, Boxer ran up and grabbed the piece of chicken and ran off. He did it so fast that it startled me and I just burst out laughing. I looked at Baba Alao. His mouth was wide open for like 10 seconds.

Baba Alao- Aja yen gba sha? (That dog grabbed it?)

Me- Hehe...

Baba Alao- O n rerin? (You're laughing?)

The man looked like he was about to burst into tears. His tribal marks and round head made his open mouth look even more animated.

Me- It was funny how he took it o.

Baba Alao- Ko ma ni da fun aja yen o. Odindi sikin lo gba lowo yon ba yi. (God punish that dog o. The thing grabbed a whole piece of chicken!)

Me- Haha...

Baba Alao- Olorun lo yo pe owo mi ko lo ti gba. Mi ba ku si l'orun! Olosi aja. (He's lucky he didn't grab it from me! I would have died on his neck! Morrafucking dog!)

I couldn't even continue gisting with Baba Alao. The guy was obviously pained. I don't know what happened after that, but everytime Boxer knew Baba Alao was in the area, he would bark his head off. Baba Alao sef didn't ever look at the dog in the face after that. Everytime he came in to work and Boxer started barking, Mr. Morris our steward would say, "Alao, Boxer dey greet you." Baba Alao wouldn't even look at the dog when he said,

"Ko ni da fuon, iwo aja buruku yi."

Damn he took that ish personal.

I'll holla in a bit!