My blogsville people! Long time no speak! No vex abeg, I’ve been enjoying the loooong Easter break a little too much. It’s been fun man. Hanging with Prettyboy, Roroski and the fam. My adventures with Prettyboy will be discussed soon. One word...legendary. Meanwhile, this break sweet o. As it is sef, I’m shacking Heineken with my grandmomsi.
Hehe….I know what you’re thinking….Fine Grandma is a bad-ass o. She arrived last week, and she has been really cracking me up. I love her ‘cos she’s a real streetwise Lagos madam. She’s actually my great-aunt, my maternal grandmother’s younger sister, but we’ve always called her grandma. I was literally her handbag when I was a kid...the woman is alright with me men.
“Fineboy o o strong o! You only drank three Heinekens and you’re blinking like an idiot. What would you do when you drink two Gulders?”
“I can’t handle Gulder o. I like Star..”
“Star? Stout nko?”
“Can’t drink it. Too bitter.”
“Weak boy! You don’t know it’s good for Finebabe?”
“If you drink it, you’ll be very solid for Finebabe o. Strong and solid! She will never leave you.”
“Oh!” I got the message and burst out laughing.
Imagine! This seventy-one year old mama. Yesterday, we were reminiscing about Nigeria and I almost died of laughter men, especially when she reminded me about our 'armed robber' ordeal.
Make I yarn una. Ha! See your ears! You like toooory!
Anyhow, like 10 years ago, there was a bunch of us at my grandma’s house in ‘Lere. There was Fine grandma, my Uncle Remi, me, my lil’ cousin DJ, and my aunty Yinka and her husband, Uncle Tre. Aunty Yinka, Uncle Tre and DJ were visiting from London.
We were all in my grandmomsi’s bedroom gisting, apart from Uncle Remi, who was downstairs. We were clowning Uncle Tre, because the guy went to chop Isi-ewu the day before and it had upset his stomach. The guy is from the Bahamas, but always wants to be doing like a real naija man. That’s when we heard noise outside o. We ran to the window and saw the gateman being dragged my two armed tout-looking guys.
Omo, na so everybody begin shake. My aunty quickly took off her jewellery and stuffed them down DJ’s pants. The boy sef wan refuse, but obviously couldn’t say no to his momsi. Meanwhile Uncle Tre started rolling up his shirt.
“I’m about to knock somebody the fuck out!”
He went towards the door and my aunty screamed at him, “Come back here jo! You think this is your country? Ode!”
Fine Grandma begin shout. “Ooooooooole! Ooooole! Armed robbers o!”
Men, she was screaming at the top of her voice o! We were scared shitless. I looked up at the ceiling, then at the closet, then under the bed. Chei, nowhere to hide.
“OOOOOOLLLEEEE!! Ooooo…….” Two guys burst into the room.
“Mama you dey shout?”
“Ha! My son no o. I’m not shouting o.” She covered her mouth and sat on the bed.
“Everybody lie down! Lie down!”
Uncle Tre started staring at one of them. The armed robber goes, “My friend lie down!”
“Motherfuck!” Uncle Tre said.
Morrafuck ko, morrafuck ni. The guy was still speaking oyibo. This one na Lagos o.
Then two other guys burst in with guns. They ushered my uncle Remi into the room. Men, he looked pissed! The guy pushed Uncle Remi, and he reluctantly started to lie down.
Meanwhile, me I just peppy on the floor men. No complaints, nothing. I just chill.
Armed Robber 1: Lie down flat! Flat!
Uncle Remi: Who are you talking to? You’re very stupid.
Armed Robber 1: Hehn!! You wan die?
Fine Grandma: Please please my son. Please…
Armed Robber1: No mama! O fe ku ni? (Does he want to die?)
Uncle Remi: Iwo lo ma ku. (Na you go die!)
Armed Robber 1: Me? I must kill somebody today! Get up, oku ni e! (You're a corpse!)
Fine Grandma: My son, please don’t mind him. Ori omo mi o pe! (My son is mentally deranged.)
Uncle Remi: Who is sick in the head?
Fine Grandma: Remi shut up! Idiot.
Armed Robber 2: Shoot him dead jo! Pata pata dem go burn us! Who dey fear die? Kill am!
Fine Grandma: Ehn?? E jo o! Please o my son, they won’t set you on fire in Jesus’ name. God will bless you o, they won’t catch you in the name of God! Please.
Meanwhile they started taking jewellery and all the money they could find. But Uncle Remi no wan gree o.
Armed Robber 1: Make them catch us! We must kill person for here! You go die today, you this man.
Fine Grandma: Heee my son. I’m begging you in the name of God. Please don’t listen to this boy. This my son is a madman. I gave birth to him, I know him very well. Were ni. Since birth, babanla mumu ni. (He’s been daft since birth.)
Uncle Remi: Mummy, who’s mad? Who’s mad?
Fine Grandma: You see? A ni oponu ni! (I’m telling you he’s an imbecile!) Don’t listen to him please, my son. God bless you ehn? You will live long for your mother.
Uncle Tre: Man, this is some bullshit.
Uncle Tre looked across at Uncle Remi, like he thought they could take these guys together. He started to get up.
Armed Robber 3: Americana, you sef wan talk? My friend lie down!
Uncle Tre: Yo, back up off me dude….
WATAI! If you see the hot slap that they gave the guy ehn? The guy just lie down straight.
God knows how long we were there for. The armed robbers took all they could and one of them pointed at my uncle Remi.
“Oya, na now I go open fire.”
Fine Grandma: My son, why would you kill a fool? Please ehn. God will bless you… ati kekere ni, ara e o ya. (He’s been mentally ill since he was a child.)
Armed Robber2: Kill am! Pata pata, they will shoot us or set us on fire.
Fine Grandma: That will not be your portion in Jesus’ name!
Armed robber1: You this man, na mummy save you o. If not, you for die like fowl.
That’s how they locked us inside the room and escaped o. For hours after the ordeal, everybody was still shaking, apart from uncle Remi and Uncle Tre, who were fuming!
Uncle Remi was pissed at my grandmother for calling him a lunatic, and I suppose Uncle Tre was mad because he had chopped a hot Naija slap for the first time in his life.
To this day, Uncle Remi gets pissed when he remembers. He says Nigerians are too timid to stand up against armed robbers, which is why, he believes, we keep getting robbed. He kept accusing us of “cooperating” for ages.
That was a long time ago though... I’m pretty sure that if that happened today, me sef I no go gree. Yeah right! Omo life sweet men, who wan die?
Meanwhile Fine Grandma isn’t usually timid like that o. I remember one time, as a kid, I was relaxing with her at her house, when she got a phone call telling her that my Uncle Remi had been arrested.
She went crazy. We jumped into the car and raced to Sabo police station. We met my other Uncles Damo and Ladi there. Apparently, Uncle Remi had gotten arrested because he didn’t have his license on him or something trivial like that.
Fine Grandma: So why did you arrest him? He’s allowed 24 hours to produce his license!
Policeman: Madam, are you a lawyer? Go and sit down!
Fine Grandma: Are you mad? Do you know who you’re talking to?
Policeman: I don’t care if you’re the Inspector general’s mother. We will arrest all offenders!
My Uncle Ladi went livid when he saw how his mother was being disrespected. I don’t remember how everything jumped off, but all I know is that a major scuffle ensued. Uncle Ladi and Uncle Damo were in the thick of it with three policemen, and my grandma flung one skinny one off Uncle Damo.
The skinny policeman flew across the room and landed in the corner. I couldn’t believe it. What a chump! Long story short, the cops got a good thumping until some more policemen came in and locked Uncle Ladi and Damo up as well. Fine Grandma was not having it.
“Release my sons right now!”
Skinny Policeman: Release wetin? Move back, you this witch mama!
Fine Grandma: Yes, I'm a witch! In fact, it was your mother and I who flew to the meeting together last night. We wanted to use that your big head for money but the oracle said you were too ugly! Idiot.
The guy was silent. In the end, Fine Grandma made some phone calls, and my uncles ended up getting released. The DPO damn near lay flat on the floor for her, and promised to dismiss the policemen. Grandmomsi suggested that they be suspended for a little while instead, and that’s what happened.
Anyways y’all, I’ll update soon I promise. Fine Grandma’s pounded yam and efo beckons!