Monday, April 09, 2007

Grandma's grandson

My blogsville people! Long time no speak! No vex abeg, I’ve been enjoying the loooong Easter break a little too much. It’s been fun man. Hanging with Prettyboy, Roroski and the fam. My adventures with Prettyboy will be discussed soon. One word...legendary. Meanwhile, this break sweet o. As it is sef, I’m shacking Heineken with my grandmomsi.

Hehe….I know what you’re thinking….Fine Grandma is a bad-ass o. She arrived last week, and she has been really cracking me up. I love her ‘cos she’s a real streetwise Lagos madam. She’s actually my great-aunt, my maternal grandmother’s younger sister, but we’ve always called her grandma. I was literally her handbag when I was a kid...the woman is alright with me men.

“Fineboy o o strong o! You only drank three Heinekens and you’re blinking like an idiot. What would you do when you drink two Gulders?”

“I can’t handle Gulder o. I like Star..”

“Star? Stout nko?”

“Can’t drink it. Too bitter.”

“Weak boy! You don’t know it’s good for Finebabe?”

“Huh?”

“If you drink it, you’ll be very solid for Finebabe o. Strong and solid! She will never leave you.”

“Oh!” I got the message and burst out laughing.

Imagine! This seventy-one year old mama. Yesterday, we were reminiscing about Nigeria and I almost died of laughter men, especially when she reminded me about our 'armed robber' ordeal.

Make I yarn una. Ha! See your ears! You like toooory!

Anyhow, like 10 years ago, there was a bunch of us at my grandma’s house in ‘Lere. There was Fine grandma, my Uncle Remi, me, my lil’ cousin DJ, and my aunty Yinka and her husband, Uncle Tre. Aunty Yinka, Uncle Tre and DJ were visiting from London.

We were all in my grandmomsi’s bedroom gisting, apart from Uncle Remi, who was downstairs. We were clowning Uncle Tre, because the guy went to chop Isi-ewu the day before and it had upset his stomach. The guy is from the Bahamas, but always wants to be doing like a real naija man. That’s when we heard noise outside o. We ran to the window and saw the gateman being dragged my two armed tout-looking guys.

Omo, na so everybody begin shake. My aunty quickly took off her jewellery and stuffed them down DJ’s pants. The boy sef wan refuse, but obviously couldn’t say no to his momsi. Meanwhile Uncle Tre started rolling up his shirt.

“I’m about to knock somebody the fuck out!”

He went towards the door and my aunty screamed at him, “Come back here jo! You think this is your country? Ode!”

Fine Grandma begin shout. “Ooooooooole! Ooooole! Armed robbers o!”

Men, she was screaming at the top of her voice o! We were scared shitless. I looked up at the ceiling, then at the closet, then under the bed. Chei, nowhere to hide.

“OOOOOOLLLEEEE!! Ooooo…….” Two guys burst into the room.

“Mama you dey shout?”

“Ha! My son no o. I’m not shouting o.” She covered her mouth and sat on the bed.

“Everybody lie down! Lie down!”

Uncle Tre started staring at one of them. The armed robber goes, “My friend lie down!”

“Motherfuck!” Uncle Tre said.

Morrafuck ko, morrafuck ni. The guy was still speaking oyibo. This one na Lagos o.
Then two other guys burst in with guns. They ushered my uncle Remi into the room. Men, he looked pissed! The guy pushed Uncle Remi, and he reluctantly started to lie down.

Meanwhile, me I just peppy on the floor men. No complaints, nothing. I just chill.

Armed Robber 1: Lie down flat! Flat!

Uncle Remi: Who are you talking to? You’re very stupid.

Armed Robber 1: Hehn!! You wan die?

Fine Grandma: Please please my son. Please…

Armed Robber1: No mama! O fe ku ni? (Does he want to die?)

Uncle Remi: Iwo lo ma ku. (Na you go die!)

Armed Robber 1: Me? I must kill somebody today! Get up, oku ni e! (You're a corpse!)

Fine Grandma: My son, please don’t mind him. Ori omo mi o pe! (My son is mentally deranged.)

Uncle Remi: Who is sick in the head?

Fine Grandma: Remi shut up! Idiot.

Armed Robber 2: Shoot him dead jo! Pata pata dem go burn us! Who dey fear die? Kill am!

Fine Grandma: Ehn?? E jo o! Please o my son, they won’t set you on fire in Jesus’ name. God will bless you o, they won’t catch you in the name of God! Please.

Meanwhile they started taking jewellery and all the money they could find. But Uncle Remi no wan gree o.

Armed Robber 1: Make them catch us! We must kill person for here! You go die today, you this man.

Fine Grandma: Heee my son. I’m begging you in the name of God. Please don’t listen to this boy. This my son is a madman. I gave birth to him, I know him very well. Were ni. Since birth, babanla mumu ni. (He’s been daft since birth.)

Uncle Remi: Mummy, who’s mad? Who’s mad?

Fine Grandma: You see? A ni oponu ni! (I’m telling you he’s an imbecile!) Don’t listen to him please, my son. God bless you ehn? You will live long for your mother.

Uncle Tre: Man, this is some bullshit.

Uncle Tre looked across at Uncle Remi, like he thought they could take these guys together. He started to get up.

Armed Robber 3: Americana, you sef wan talk? My friend lie down!

Uncle Tre: Yo, back up off me dude….

WATAI! If you see the hot slap that they gave the guy ehn? The guy just lie down straight.

God knows how long we were there for. The armed robbers took all they could and one of them pointed at my uncle Remi.

“Oya, na now I go open fire.”

Fine Grandma: My son, why would you kill a fool? Please ehn. God will bless you… ati kekere ni, ara e o ya. (He’s been mentally ill since he was a child.)

Armed Robber2: Kill am! Pata pata, they will shoot us or set us on fire.

Fine Grandma: That will not be your portion in Jesus’ name!

Armed robber1: You this man, na mummy save you o. If not, you for die like fowl.

That’s how they locked us inside the room and escaped o. For hours after the ordeal, everybody was still shaking, apart from uncle Remi and Uncle Tre, who were fuming!
Uncle Remi was pissed at my grandmother for calling him a lunatic, and I suppose Uncle Tre was mad because he had chopped a hot Naija slap for the first time in his life.

To this day, Uncle Remi gets pissed when he remembers. He says Nigerians are too timid to stand up against armed robbers, which is why, he believes, we keep getting robbed. He kept accusing us of “cooperating” for ages.

That was a long time ago though... I’m pretty sure that if that happened today, me sef I no go gree. Yeah right! Omo life sweet men, who wan die?

Meanwhile Fine Grandma isn’t usually timid like that o. I remember one time, as a kid, I was relaxing with her at her house, when she got a phone call telling her that my Uncle Remi had been arrested.

She went crazy. We jumped into the car and raced to Sabo police station. We met my other Uncles Damo and Ladi there. Apparently, Uncle Remi had gotten arrested because he didn’t have his license on him or something trivial like that.

Fine Grandma: So why did you arrest him? He’s allowed 24 hours to produce his license!

Policeman: Madam, are you a lawyer? Go and sit down!

Fine Grandma: Are you mad? Do you know who you’re talking to?

Policeman: I don’t care if you’re the Inspector general’s mother. We will arrest all offenders!

My Uncle Ladi went livid when he saw how his mother was being disrespected. I don’t remember how everything jumped off, but all I know is that a major scuffle ensued. Uncle Ladi and Uncle Damo were in the thick of it with three policemen, and my grandma flung one skinny one off Uncle Damo.

The skinny policeman flew across the room and landed in the corner. I couldn’t believe it. What a chump! Long story short, the cops got a good thumping until some more policemen came in and locked Uncle Ladi and Damo up as well. Fine Grandma was not having it.

“Release my sons right now!”

Skinny Policeman: Release wetin? Move back, you this witch mama!

Fine Grandma: Yes, I'm a witch! In fact, it was your mother and I who flew to the meeting together last night. We wanted to use that your big head for money but the oracle said you were too ugly! Idiot.


The guy was silent. In the end, Fine Grandma made some phone calls, and my uncles ended up getting released. The DPO damn near lay flat on the floor for her, and promised to dismiss the policemen. Grandmomsi suggested that they be suspended for a little while instead, and that’s what happened.

Anyways y’all, I’ll update soon I promise. Fine Grandma’s pounded yam and efo beckons!

110 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is it possible for an anon to be first? ok i am first. nice blog. very funny and original

Orientatednaijababe said...

I'm the first...OPE O!!! Now i can read it slowly...sure i will enjoy reading it...
I beat u guys (hahahaha)

mystoriesmytestimonies said...

i am 3rd....
i guess other bloggers are sleeping...

i am laughing so hard...
you are really funny....

Orientatednaijababe said...

Finished reading now....felt as if i was reading a sidney sheldon thriller. na so i dey fear sey dey go shoot ur uncle, was so relieved that he was not shot. Abeg no fight ole o, we still need u in blogville and i am sure Nigeria needs you too....

bhookey84 said...

ure a great storyteller mehn , had me lolin as usual.....i see someone gbaduned their weekend o , pics???? anytime soon ?? lol

Bola said...

Man fineboy u really know how to tell a story and bring we the readers to visualize it. Lol. I hate sitting in a freaking cubilce cos I really cant laugh as loud as I want to. But damn, ur Grandma is really funny,calling her kid a lunatic.
I hope ur grandma stays for a while so u can update us more on her.
I really cant stop laughing.

Anonymous said...

Dude...
I need ur pay stubs incase I lose my job.
At the rate I'm going with ur jist, I will get in trouble.

where do you get all these stories sha!!
Thanks for making my day, no matter how stressed I feel, I always laugh at your wacky stories.

Ur grandmomsie is a trip, you have way too much drama in ur family you guys need a TV show.

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

Fine grandma is an iya oni gba, a sisi mama. U dis boi don craze finish walahi. Making me laugh so hard. This story was wonderfully told, kai it was as if i was there. God bless you plenty.

~Damide~ said...

LOl...@ ur grandmom abusing her own son, but asking God to bless armed robbers!!! Thats just too mad!

iROCKORiGiNALiTY said...

Hahahahaha your granny is so funny, kai..Nice blog sha

Olu said...

Omo men...ur gist too sweet...I always have to get some pop corn and kool aid to read ur blogs sha....men I don learn my lesson say when gun dey, no be d time to become hero...cos when it goes wrong, dem go call u oversabi...and dat ur grandma na hard woman oh

Deji's World said...

lmao..ya uncle get agidi sha. thank God he aint got shot. your grandma is funny as hell lol.. Keep em coming

Anonymous said...

...ol' boy, I just discovered this blog and I've been ROLLING all damn day. I swear I've been laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes right now. I'm fixing to bookmark this shege sef. You've got a gift for telling stories man,...keep 'em coming.

K.

The shopaholic. said...

You are a morafucking trip.

Oyebo for Nijja said...

Chinike...arm robbers....goshh memories..they come for my house too..useless ppl tried to jump the water pipe and broke it!! lol...btw what happened with you and pretty boy???

elle said...

LMAOOOOOO! ani were ni! WOW, i loveeeee this blog!

Miss Jones said...

The daily stop I make here always has me dying:) I loved this story!!! You're one of the best bloggers!!! You're hilarious:)

Fine girl said...

LOL!!!Fine boy sha..you wan kill person..i'm rolling with laughter over here, your family certainly takes the cake.. abeg release autobiography you go sell out in seconds..LOL

arike said...

See me see trouble o, I'm supposed to be filling out my LL.M applications but you've got me hooked on your blog. This newest one reads like a movie script. And once again, I am alone in my apt hollering like a banshee and hoping once again, that my neighbors don't think I've gone crazy! Your grandma is a character and she probably saved your Uncle's life. Keep the stories coming...your blog makes my day!!

SCOMISS said...

lmao...i cannot stop laughing...good one

Anonymous said...

So is that the real finegirl that posted on 09 April 2007 19:57. Fineboy, Commetn!

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanx 4 stopping by everyone. 21 comments already?? That's love! @anon 21.17, if ur asking if that was Finebabe that left that comment....no it isn't. Apparently she's too cool to leave comments on my blog..lol! thanx guys.

adumaadan - Blacktinkerbell said...

you this man, i'm going to say this only once more; leave a warning on your page. I absolutely adore grandma. She reminds me of some of my mum's friends. Yes, my mum is a grandma.

teekay said...

HAHAHAH..."Oponu ni"....as in ur grandma is funny as hell....she basically called ur uncle a major retard....im loving her man. Funny post!!

omohemi Benson said...

Your granma na original mama mi leko!
I enjoyed your post as usual.

Jack Bloggs said...

lol... Hommie this is funny men, They will soon sack me from work. Keep it up!
As for me - I am still on my Bloggers Block. lol. Dont think i will be updating anytime soon.

phazzzed... said...

2 fingers in the air for naija surulere-dwelling grandma's!!!

Ugo Daniels said...

wtf is going on here...lol

Don't tell me, i concur

bimbylads said...

fineboy, another classic story delivered! ... so u saw my pic abi!! lol!! i had to FIND you OUT!!

temmy tayo said...

Mr Fine boy, u cracked me up. Meanwhile no vex say IV no reach u on time. I am sending it out this minute.

Juicy Fruit said...

LMAO!! I could just see it...fine grandma saying "ejo oo, oponi ni. lol.

Vickii said...

Fine boy, you know you've always been my favourite blogger right? So when are you inviting me round for some of your grandma's pounded yam ... I don't mind what stew, I'll be happy with any!

Lol, your grandma sounds very cool!

יושה (Yosh) said...

hahaha, "strong and solid" for finebabe...like you didn't know u had to be before...Sure those older folks are fun when you get to talk to them, esp. if they aren't distant due to old age. Enjoy all the home-cooked meals while u can o! :)

And thanks for stopping by...

londonnaijachic said...

LOL!your Grandma is a trip.I couldnt stop giggling when she said my son is an imbecile.lol.Enjoy ur week.

Chameleon said...

lol...

my goodness...

that ur uncle is on a death wish sha.

great post!
x

Bella Naija said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant take it anymore.....that was too freaking funny!
Ur grandma is a legend!!!!!!!!!!1

law_damsel said...

lollll fine boi.. u nd all dis ur characters..Uncle Remi is my guy..knuckle him 4 me abeg!!

vindication through innocence said...

yay!!38th!!Uncle Tre sounds like a trip!!I do agree with the whole cooperating thing tho to an extent but I dont want to see blood o-i dont have the stomach for that!!
typical funny stuvvs!i dunno how ur gonna keep it up!!

Bluntremi said...

Another great post.
Catching up in blogville always takes FOREVER!!!

Calabar Gal said...

KAi Fineboy. Your mouth sweet for story telling no be small. I couldnt help laughing at Uncle Tre and Uncle Remi's ordeal as well as ur grandmma's dialogue. Hialrious but I know say at d time it waas happening, it wasnt a laughing matter.

zaiprincesa said...

Fineboy,
ur grams is gansta oh!!!..lol..ahn ahn!..
Funny story...

Anonymous said...

men fineboy ur stories r good no be small, ive just been lmao, and am suppose 2 be preparing for a job interview i have 2morrow.....neways nice one, pls keep them comin, at least everyother day.

Idemili said...

Hahahaha! You're so funny!

Anonymous said...

Ha! The memories of grannies and their infinite wisdom, cherish the experiences y'all.

-Okunrin meta

BOBBY said...

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

Your grandma is hillarious...she did what she had to do (calling her son a mad man) to protect her chile man!!!

Happy belated Easter o jare!

damsel in the desert said...

Ya a funny boy oh... Like your blog

Anonymous said...

funny as always. : )

Anonymous said...

I'll initial this time only because you said i'm too cool to leave comments. : ) Hysterically funny....
Your biggest supporter.
Finebabe.

Dimples said...

LOL...that was just too funny...reminds me of all those armed robber stories i use to hear in Naija...

Keep it up and much love to Fine Grandma.

exschoolnerd said...

lol..i like ur grandma jare...

but ur uncle sef...you cant just be challenging these robbers oh..some of them have brain touch and wont hesitate to dabaru ur leg or something else..

hot ice said...

e be like say this Fine Family dey too crazy.

we need a reality TV show :)

abeg do and update us on your shenanigans with pretty boy.

UnNaked Soul said...

LMAO!!! yeeee! nice one!

snazzy said...

i just want to know why ur uncles were not put in jail for brushing police officers. I mean, c'mon, think of the children. anyway nice one.

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanx u guys. Ha! All you fake "Finebabes" trying to get me in trouble. Finebabe does not comment on this blog o!! Thanx 4 the love y'all!

hanan said...

haha...ur grandma is quite funny...Gosh it's amazing how many people are tryin 2 be finebabe....ur previous posts r funnier i think but the recent 1s are good also..

Anonymous said...

i love your grandma!

Anonymous said...

Update NAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...
finest babe.. mmuah xxxxx

Mari said...

Honestly, life is too sweet to get into an argument with armed robbers esp in naija. Those ppl are ruthless.
Your grandma is funny sha.

Anonymous said...

You should tell Finebabe to comment on your blog now. Why is she feeling cool? She is suppose to show her man love... you have a lot of finebabes wanna be that will take her place. Funny post

Anonymous said...

This guy you know i'm rotflol as i always do. Grandmomsi is on the other level. She's looking out for me big time. (wink wink) FineBabe.
MUUUUAAAHHH!

Nigerican said...

i love u're grandma dude.

TaureanMinx said...

Hilarous. Your grandma is a gem. My granda could rival yours though. Shes on a whole different level.

Simply Gorgeous said...

Fineboy, what can I say about this gripping thriller. Great jist, your uncle was lucky...

boorish male said...

Gaddemmit.... MUHAHAHA!!!

my thots said...

fine boi, holla at me when ure about to post your next update so i'll be first,lol.u actually inspired me to start my own blog, so u must read mine as religiously as i read yours okay, u're really funny,people always think i'm going crazy when i'm reading your blog, cus i'm just laughing like a crazy person forgetting my surroundings.update soon aite

dolly said...

Were ni. Since birth, babanla mumu ni... ur grandma is very funny

Nice story

Idemili said...

UPDATE!!!

bhookey84 said...

UPDATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SouLBoutiQue said...

I'm loving the blog! keep it up!

Demola said...

Your GrandMother is Gangsta!


www.notjustok.com

FOINNE BABE said...

Sweety update nawww.. all these pple bothering u. See u later got some yummy stuff for u ;)

Vera Ezimora said...

LOL

This is so funny that I don't even know what 2 say

Pink-satin said...

"you’ll be very solid for Finebabe"-ur grandma is hillarious!

Anonymous said...

You know me and I know you but you don't know how much I like you. Should I tell you?

chioma said...

Super grangma!she sounds great.nice blog

Miss better life said...

i actually choked laughing! lol, ur grandma is hilarious and ur a good story teller.

chidi said...

ok lol! this is funny....you are great at telling stories i ahve to say

Lyrically speaking said...

Wow, great discovery here, thanks for the visit to my blog :) i'll be back for more

BabaAlaye said...

Rule No.1. Don't be a hero. Naija Armed Robbers don't play.

Loving your Granny. Just Read through your whole Blog.Absolutely rib cracking stuff. The way you write is simply amazing.And you've perfected the hat trick of moving one story seamlessly into another, Without losing the Plot. Keep doing your thing son.And yeah Welcome to Blogsville. Better late than never

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!!! You cracked me right up. I'll definitely be coming back. Amazing!!!

eyecandy said...

Lol at fine grandma and police encounter.....another funny post. well done!!

Kpakpando said...

Chineke!!! I don die, fine boy wan kill me. lmao @ uncle trey chopping his first dirty slap as an adult, most of us had to suffer through that by age 11, I can imagine how traumatizing, chopping dirty slap that late in life can be.

Biko Fine boy already said he has a finebabe, all of you women should respect unaselves and stop claiming him anyhow. Abi u wan follow your husband snatching counterparts in naija abi? Tufiakwa, leave the man be. Trouble dey sleep yanga wan wake am.

Anonymous said...

fine boy!!! haba u no go update now?????

Anonymous said...

fine boy!!! haba u no go update now?????

chicala said...

`updaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate o fine boy, update. i was desperate to come here only to find nothing. i'l be back soon hopefully to find some more funny gists eh.

Beyond said...

i gbadun finegrandma too much.she fit defend for herself.
nice post.

Next Door Stranger said...

Very funny Am loving you. I laughed from the beginning to the end. Your grandma is as funny as hell.

omo-obanta said...

Jo, Mr Fineboy....i need my daily hit now... you can't do this tou ehn?
post!!!

femi said...

WOW! is there any normal person in your family? your grandma is gangsta...lol...lol...lol...

bibi said...

lmaoooooooooo ive been mia.... i was laughing so loud my baby had to wake up...lol.. sha update o!!!

cool muthafucka said...

lol Uncle Tre is definitely my guy!

london cham said...

MFB update now!

temmy tayo said...

Do we have to beg u now to update?

Anonymous said...

You are too funny, I am so glad that you started your blog. Blogland was getting a bit dry.

wienna said...

UPDATES PLSSSS!!!

oyebo for Nijja said...

chinike...u don't die or whetin de happen?? why ain't u updating ur blog.....come on jare..make u update um now....hahaha

Mona said...

whattt! Look at all the comments, I heard u are really funny, that is what I need only I find it hard to read your posts on screen cos I'm astigmatic, that black background makes me dizzy scrolling down...pele! So I will print it all out and read this wkend.

Pls greet Fine Grandma, ur family members are hilarious :o) xx

Flaky said...

Laughing my arse off !

Kpakpando said...

fine boy we no go gree oh, u must to update.

Jack Slater a.k.a the Hard Guy said...

shit, i shouldnt have deleted my comment as the 100th commentar. for all of those who are wondering, it was very anticlimatic, now I know what it feels like to be a woman after sex

Pseudo-Independence said...

Grandma’s pounded yam and efo

wish i too had a mother or grandmother

Onada said...

lol your granny is hilarious! calling your uncle a retard!

Ade said...

I would love to meet the power behind the blog, is that an option or would you rather remain anonymous? let me know or just leave a finboy comment on my blog .... nicely done :-).

Anonymous said...

u kind of funny. ur uncle self he no fear?????

pinky said...

this your grandma kindof acts like my grandma to.your uncle gather liver o to talk back at them.

pinky said...

all these comments you fit read am under oneday.omo you be hot cake o lol

cally-waffybabe said...

Fineboy, i can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that this is the first blog i have come across that has had so many comments. Over 100 ke? I can't even read, as i want to finish reading this blog today.
Damn i have headache from so much laughing. Dude, you are summin else. No wonder you are such a star. Kai! LMFAO at the armed robber ordeal. I bera go now else i'd just write a book. Damn! LOL.

Gift said...

must very post be so funny and real? its only right that it has to be

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