Monday, April 02, 2007

April Fool's weekend, Uncle Poppy and other stories......

I had a fantastic weekend guys! I should have put something up for you, but abeg no vex, I was too busy running around. Friday was pretty chill, I hung out with a couple of peeps, just jamming in the house. For the sake of April fool’s I had to play a couple of pranks as well now.

My close friends know me as a serial prank caller. I’ve gotten everybody with my Pakistani voice phone calls, so I’ve started switching it up. My friend Ngo gave me one of her friends’ numbers on Friday night, and everybody gathered around the phone. (I put it on speaker)

Tiwa: Hello

Me(in thick Yoruba accent): Is that my Tiwa Tiwa?

Tiwa: Err…yes…who’s this?

Me: It’s your uncle Pekun! Last time I saw you, you were a little, tiny thing like this. Hehe…your daddy gave me your phone number in Lagos. How are you my dear? Mummy e nko?

Tiwa: She’s fine thank you….

Me: Anyway my dear, I’m in London briefly, and I’ll be leaving tomorrow for New York, but I want to send some very small pocket money to you and your sister. I’ told Lanre(her dad’s name) that I’d get in touch. I hope £500.00 is not too small o, when you people come to Lagos again, I will see you ehn?

Tiwa: No problem sir, thank you very much uncle!

Chei! Uncle??? Now now? Ole.

Me: Ah, don’t mention. Nkan kekere ni. (It’s a little gesture.) Please give me your address.

The babe gave me the complete address o, with post code and everything! I wan die of laughter men.

Me: Okay my dear. Ba mi ki mummy e (Say hey to your mum.)

Tiwa: I will. Thank you so much Uncle. Have a nice day sir.

Uncle ko, uncle ni. People like money o! Men, Ngo hasn’t even told her it was us. The babe go wait tire.


Isn’t it funny how everybody has one of those uncles? One dude that you see like once in five years, and always reminds you of how little you were the last time he saw you, and then squares you some dough?

I have one like that, Uncle Akin. The man is loaded out the ying-yang, and he’s always happy to settle. I check him out whenever he’s in London o. He’s actually quite scary….he talks very fast and sitting with him is like being at a job interview. “Fineboy, how are your studies? What do you plan on doing after that? Why?” blah blah…but the bobo always drops dough, so I don’t mind. I remember one time though when I was a kid, that the guy finished me on the phone.

He called one afternoon to speak to my popsi, who wasn’t home. His wife had just died, and me I didn’t know o. So he tells me to take down a number. Remember when you were a kid, and wouldn’t feel like writing down a number and just kinda pretended that you were? That’s what I did.

“Tell him to call me….you have a pen?”

“Yes uncle.”

“Okay, 4611627…..or my brother-in-law’s house…...631379…”

“Okay.”

“Read out the numbers to me..”

Chineke!

“Er…..”

“You mean you didn’t write down the numbers?????”

“Errr…”

“Are you stupid? You’re very stupid…are you stupid? You’re very very stupid!!! Stupid idiot…are you stupid?? Come on, go and get a pen!!!”

I’ve never run so fast to get a pen in my life. I love Uncle Akin though, the guy is a correct guy, unlike some of my other uncles. I have one other one, Uncle Muyiwa. Men, the guy owns hotels and all sorts, paid up! But this guy no fit square person one naira o.

Those days, we would be hoping that our uncles would give us dough, so we could blow money on ‘trips.’ But that Uncle Muyiwa ehn? As you walked to the car, the guy would put his hand in his pocket, bring it out and wave goodbye! Imagine. The guy never change o. I even jacked him last December, point blank, like “Oya uncle, drop something…”
He just smiled and said “That one na foul!” Fake guy!

My most notorious uncle is Uncle Poppy. Don’t ask. Apparently the guy was ‘the man’ when he was young, so his nickname was “Popular,” hence “Poppy”. The guy like woman eh? Jesus Christ! I remember one time, he was at our house in Lagos, and I heard him saying in a very low voice as I approached the kitchen….

“Darling, don’t worry! I will take care of you! Is it London? Is it Rome??”

Ah ah. Who Uncle Poppy dey follow talk?

When I entered the kitchen, I couldn’t believe it o. Blessing, our housegirl! That one too was smiling and holding his hand. Shuo! They both looked startled when I walked in, and my uncle goes, “Fineboy Fineboy! Blessing, get me get a glass of water..” and walked out. Imagine!

Apparently Uncle Poppy don kpansh all the housegirls that have ever been hired in his house, without fail. Now my aunty hires strictly houseboys, and very young ones sef, because she can’t put anything past the guy. Uncle Poppy doesn’t care o…tall, short, fat, razz, anything goes.

I’ve made up my mind sef that the guy won’t meet Finebabe anytime soon. You don’t know that guy men. One time, he was asking my ex if she’d ever slept in a 6-star hotel, if she’d been to Dubai, if she’d ever heard of Cartier shoes…blah blah… how young boys don’t know anything about enjoyment…blah..blah.

That one sef begin trip because she didn’t know that Cartier made shoes. She too was answering innocently, until I give am serious warning! That uncle poppy na criminal o.

That’s how at my cousin’s wedding last December, my cousin Derin introduced him to her friend, Funke. The guy was just smiling at the babe throughout, going “Funky baby, hehe…omo to da, to fine dada.” (Fine babe.) He must have said it like twenty times. How embarrassing!

It’s a shame that I wasn’t present for the funniest Uncle Poppy moment ever though. But I’ve heard the gist so many times, that I might as well have been there. Apparently, one day, Uncle Poppy pulled into the driveway at his house with my popsi. As he got outta popsi's car, his live-in driver, Godwin, came charging towards him.

“Oga! I should beat you to a pulp!”

Uncle Poppy and Chief Fineboy looked shocked.

Godwin shook a finger right in Uncle Poppy’s face.

“I suppose beat you, shameless man!”

He was livid o. Chief Fineboy asked him,

“Have you lost your mind?”

“Daddy, if not that you’re here sir, I will beat nonsense out of this shameless master! God know!”

Uncle Poppy stood with his mouth wide open.

Chief Fineboy goes, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Sir, master attempted to step on my integrity! He was trying to copulate with my wife sir! Can you believe it? He lured her into that guest room and naked’ed himself sir!”

Chief Fineboy looked at uncle Poppy who said,

“Gerroff my property, madman!”

Everybody was tense, and Chief Fineboy’s driver, Mr. Sunday had to hold Godwin back. Chief Fineboy looked on in shock.

“Useless oga! Trying to make intercourse with my own wife!”

Uncle Poppy was embarrassed. Godwin left that day, and never came back, and it was apparently obvious that he was guilty as charged. Na Mr. Sunday give us the gist o, like 200 times.

“That ya uncle na wa o. The man like woman no be small. If to say Godwin wife gree am, e for climb am! Chineke, Godwin for break that him big head that day! Yeye man wey no fit respect himself…..e don climb all the small small girls wey dey sell bread for that area sef! No tell Oga say na me tell you o.”

As usual, I’ve veered off point…I wanted to tell you about my weekend o. Sorry, next update! I’ll holla soon y'all!

83 comments:

'NGO' said...

FIRST???YAY!!!..
VERY HILARIOUS BABES...

teekay said...

oh well at least im second!!! ill be back

londonnaijachic said...

uncle poppy is a case oh!Some men and that thing between their legs.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha.. very funny..naija naija..

teekay said...

uncle poppy...anh anh woman wrapper, trying to copulate with his staff....i can just picture his face when he said gerrof my property....funny post

cool muthafucka said...

hahaha your family get characters i swear!
You suppose send that babe a box filled with tissue lol

Nice one

Anonymous said...

Chineke!

“Er…..”

“You mean you didn’t write down the numbers?????”

“Errr…”

“Are you stupid? You’re very stupid…are you stupid? You’re very very stupid!!! Stupid idiot…are you stupid?? Come on, go and get a pen!!!”

I’ve never run so fast to get a pen in my life.

LOLOLOL.... seriously, you make my day with your blogs! Whoever knew that's how they spelt "Shuo"?!

Classic.

Senorita said...

Nice one. Uncle Poppy is one of a kind o. I think everyone has an uncle that is like that.

Anonymous said...

Once again, you re my hero.

Fineboy, do you know you serve as therapy for me now.

Laughing at your jokes is more therapeutic than this jewish shrink I see that doesn't do anything than mope at my chest.

Well this D cups and a dream is almost all I have going on right now, but nice one sha!

Haven't we all encountered an uncle poppy in this lifetime.

Kpakpando said...

I friggin give up, I'll never be first on this ya comment section.

I know too many uncles like uncle muyiwa... stingy morrasuckas, dem swear for igbo men sef. In this day and age you're giving me 500 naira and I'm supposed to shine teeth, anuofia. I mean I still take it o, but I'm not happy about it.

Uncle poppy, I bet he looks young and fresh too from all the toto he's enjoying...meanwhile I bet aunty poppy is looking haggard as hell trying to maintain. Yeye man for real, until his kini enters the wrong toto he won't learn his lesson

luminousnubian said...

its amazing how some men will sleep with anything!great post.

Idemili said...

What?! 11 comments already? Bone-crackingly funny as usual! So have you seen my statements around blogville, where I have placed dibs on you as my Blog honey? [Blame Buki & Ola for that one!]

Im A Babe said...

lol at kpapando

mr fine boy...u just kill me wit lafta. trsut we all have an uncle poppy in our lives. mayb more than 1 sef.

Bola said...

FINE BOY, U NEVER FAIL TO DELIVER EACH TIME U WRITE. I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL MORNING LONG TO SEE IF U 'VE POSTED ANYTHING.
LOL @ UNCLE POPPY. I HOPE HIS THIRD LEG WOULDNT LAND HIM IN JAIL SHA. MEN AND THIER EGO.
ANYWAY, I CANT WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT UR WEEKEND GIST.

BOBBY said...

That shit has happened to me before...someone called my momsie and gave me a number...and asked me to repeat it...

Fear catch me...then i pretended there was something wrong with the phone...

"Hello? Hello? Uncle are you there???" then i hung up.

That thing is bad mehn...lol.

Uncle Popular na useless man!

vindication through innocence said...

Uncle poppy needs to be careful!STDs are real!lol @ 'is it london...is it rome' lol!!I dont have any uncles like that but sha enough uncles in this london try toast me!!see me see wahala in Kings cross station 'yello burreful'- I know say that one get at least 6 shidren!derry man!!
How does uncle Poppy manage to find time for work when he is chasing babes upon babes...?

Chameleon said...

lol... the guy needs deliverance

LondonBuki said...

Why now? The poor girl will be waiting for her £500! LOL!!!

Your uncle is something else... he was yanning all that one to your housegirl? And then Godwin's wife? Haba!

Have a FAB week.

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanx 4 the comments guys.
@cool mofo...4 real bro!
@anon 10.21...thanx...LOL...WOW!
@kpakpando..the guy fresh for real o!LOL
@Idemmili...haven't seen them o, LOL!
@bobby...ur terrible! LMAO!
@Vind..LOL@ 'derry man'!
@cham...he does! update again pls!
@LondonBuki...she go wait die! U fashi'd my side on sunday abi? LOL

Bella Naija said...

LMAO u have come again mr. fineboy!
Nice one
Ah ah Teekay I can see Mr Fineboy has 'snatched' u from my blog :(

Mr.Fineboy said...

@Senorita...LOL sorry! thanx 4 comin' thru! We all do don't we?

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, i dont think i have laughed so hard in my life. you are CRAZY. everytime i read your blog i can actually see all these people in my mind! keep em coming! i have sent your blog to every naija person i know we actually try to out do ourselves to see who's read the latest stuff first! i can't wait for the next one ...this is your future cousin by the way & tell roroski i said wassup!

Neo-Soul said...

Chineka! lol ..... why do you still have that gurl waiting for money that isn't coming...you people are wicked ooooo...imagine what she was planning to do with that money.....but Uncle Poppy.....man I have a couple of Uncles like him....women lovers lol

Anonymous said...

My my my I like you even more now than before Mr Fineboy unfortunately you already have a babe:-( Anyways funny post as always... Uncle Poppy is serious o.

phazzzed... said...

ur uncle poppy na woman wrapper!!!

adumaadan - Blacktinkerbell said...

well written as usual. your uncle poppy sounds like quite a handful but then, we all have people like that in our families only in varying degrees. (psssst! don't mind that Ide o. you should check out my ad)

law_damsel said...

Kai Very Funny.Lol

Na wa oh!! im one of those gals dat give out my postcode n address 2 all those my uncles from Lagos..i wud ve so chopped...

Uncle Poppy!! Needs deliverance..wat is it? Good thin u wont make him meet finebabe yet!!

bimbylads said...

lolllllll.. hilarious post! lmao @ are u stupid.. loll.. how u day now!!

Jola Naibi said...

Your uncles sound too familiar...I think everyone has them - from the cool to the stingy to the randy...although I must say that I have not heard of anyone as randy as your uncle Poppy. I was literally in stitches with your Tiwa story...please nobody should tell her jare...let's see how long it will take her to figure that one out...perhaps if she brings it up with her folks and asks about this mythical Uncle Pekun...she will begin to realize that the joke is on her.

Waffarian said...

Fineboy!!!!!!!!Infact, I must to ask you, you sure say u no be waffy????cos the kain pidgin you dey nak sometimes! Lord almighty!
"Nakeded" wharrahell!!!!!!I laugh tire!as for taking down numbers, till today, i still get dat bad habit, even with my mobile, i go dey pretend say i dey "click" am in! heheheheeheheh

Bluntremi said...

Yes , as women we have all experienced being chased by the likes of Uncle Poppy. Yes, most Nigerian men have no shame ooooo!
I cant begin to tell you about some Uncles, my dad's friends o!! who chased me, and my sisters!!!
And yes, they dropped coins, and then would try and pinch your bum as well!!

Great post as usual!!

zaiprincesa said...

lol..fine boy, u r wrong...SOOO WRONG!!..dont u know tiwa will be waiting for that money??..ha!..ko da oh..lol..
And i have an uncle like Uncle Poppy...meyn.it got to a point where momsie had to assign drabby uniforms for the housegirls instead of mofty..cus that man..hmm..nasty old pervert...
Funny post..

Beyond said...

your Uncle Poppy definately needs deliverance. i bet you are two of a kind.
Nice post, have a nice day.

Jack Slater a.k.a the Hard Guy said...

I gbadun you uncle men. thats my guy!!! lol. jk

omohemi Benson said...

LMAO, fineboy ma pa mi o o!
Uncle Poppy na wa oh!

bhookey84 said...

dats wrong wut u did to tiwa mehn, not kewl o , if i were her, i would make u ppl cough up the money sharp sharp, puttin me on long tings like dat, u dont know shes already planned how she';ll sepend it , anyhoossss ur uncle poppy is a major ashewo o ah ahnnnn

iROCKORiGiNALiTY said...

Hahaha a yi to yato(this is something different)but let me hand it to you mehn that your uncle is something else ahn ahn kilo de? Na so dem dey do life?

Mr.Fineboy said...

@Bella..thanx 4 stopping by! Update!
@anon (19.22)...my new cousin!Congrats o...thanx 4 the love...senorita is jealous of us 'cousins'!
@neo-soul...God forgive us o!
@anon(21.08)...lol...thanx hun.
@lawd...i shoulda played that one on u! LMAO
@bimby..i know, i fear o....i'm ok, wassup now?
@bluntremi,zaiprincessa,phazzed,jack, omohemi, beyond, waffy & bhookey...i know..the guy is a real perv!
Thanx 4 comin' thru y'all!

Anonymous said...

better dont turn out to be like uncle poppy.. your blogs are very funny

racquelle-cutie said...

many naija men are such big perves.dat one fit rape person's siter

Idemili said...

You do realise that when you are this funny you have to constantly top yourself? Now could you please update? I'll have your bones to make my bread if you don't.

Ahhh! I just love random acts of violence. Don't you?

chika said...

you dis fineboy...u don come again abi.hope you are not like your uncle sha.

Yosh said...

hahahaha, keep veering off, man! It's fun to go with you, whether or not you are.

LMAO @ this Q, "“Are you stupid? You’re very stupid…are you stupid? You’re very very stupid!!! Stupid idiot…are you stupid?? Come on, go and get a pen!!!”"

Hahahaha, man, the man scope your runs sharp-ish.

And your uncle Poppy na wa o! The guy no send sha...

Lovely post, man! :)

UnNaked Soul said...

LMAO!!! Esp. @ April Fool's prank... LOL

Nice one...

Mari said...

I can't stop laughing. Wow, your uncle poppy is something else.

Konko-Jabele said...

I haven't laughed as hard as I did in a long time. Man...Poppy deserves an academy award. Reminds me of a guy who lived in my area, DJ. Should blog about him sometimes. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Anonymous said...

mr chairman

oti bad pupo ju

respect

dolly said...

your uncle needs deliverance

Idemili said...

Fineboy you have 'do' me bad thing! Do you know I have watched that video 3 times in about 7 minutes? You wicked o!

For those of you who haven't watched it, click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtIHBRsy1lI


Or copy and paste.

exschoolnerd said...

Sir, master attempted to step on my integrity! He was trying to copulate with my wife sir! Can you believe it? He lured her into that guest room and naked’ed himself sir!”


hahhahahahahahahahahaha

*dead*

Simply Gorgeous said...

You are too funny, Fineboy!!

The Blahnik Diva said...

this boy you no go kill me with laughter!!! hehhe uncle poppy we hail thee!!

yankeenaijachick said...

SUP FINEBOY, l have a crush on you. APRIL FOOL.LOL LOL LOL.............l love reading ya blog. keep up the good work.lol

Olu said...

Man I have an Uncle Poppy like that oh! This man even does it in front of his wife... I'll gist bout d guy one day...and she doesn't even do anything bout it. Sometimes I go dey wonder say this man get liver oh, abi this woman don blind? Abi shey na fear dey catch am?

bhookey84 said...

uncle fineboy its time to update now haba

ijeoma obu iheoma said...

great blog.. hilarious post

Vera Ezimora said...

Oh, that April Fools prank was just wrong! Ouch!

But it's funny how u suddenly became Uncle sha. LOL

Anonymous said...

No way!this is way too funny...i was rolling with laughter here..but youhave to get ur friend to tel TIwa it was a Joke..it's not fair..
Uncle Poppy is a Disaster..seriuosly!

Vickii said...

I love that you veer off point because we get lots of other good gist when you do! The April fools on Tiwa was funny, especially the 'Is that my Tiwa Tiwa?' lol but I feel sorry for her ... poor girl has probably gone shopping and treated herself in anticipation of the cash from her uncle ...

sorry but I'm not a fan of your Unlce Poppy.

Funny post .... and update!

Simply Gorgeous said...

The results are in. Come and see who made it to the next level!

Oyebo for Nijja said...

mr fine boy....ehhh I think its time you update...its been a week!!! goshh!!! hahahhaa I need a daily dose of some nijja ;)

miss-me said...

are u on aSW? if u are u know what that is? just wondering

mimi said...

tiwa, tiwa, i don't blame her, i could be very gullible as well...uncle koo unkle nii
As for uncle poppy..hmmn, i reserve my comments..lol

ameena said...

You are so funny,i always crack up whenever i read your blog and then i ask myself why my life isnt as exciting as yours,lol.

chicala said...

oh well what can i say? hillarious post as usual, u never fail to deliver ehn,
cant find a nicer word than 'ashewo' to describe that ur uncle o, basically thats who he is.
luv ur blog, keep it coming and update with immediate effect,sogbo?

chidi said...

LOL!!! i have to say that your uncle poppy is a woman wrapper oh! hilarious post!

Anonymous said...

update jo!!

tiwalade said...

which kain 4 u guys b prankin my namesake?!..... behave o! :)
it was funny sha! tiwa's like money(who doesn't) if one anonymous uncle is trying to do big guy by dropping cash... y not? i dn't blame d girl jare.

May God remove all d unclepoppys in our life and fill our life wiv uncle Akins! can i hear u say AMEN

Mr.Fineboy said...

THANK YOU guys for the love! I appreciate it y'all!

Neo-Soul said...

Ummm almost a week later and no UPDATE! I beg whats going on...WE NEED A UPDATE PLEASE :(

kemi said...

Fineboy just discovered ur blog this easter sunday morning and i had to read all past issues now i am almost late for church. Nice read though i love the down to earth tone of all the posts from Mr Sunday to Uncle poppy and the 404 one is just a classic, something similar happened to my brothers in ADRAO.
Anyhow keep it up i only wish we had interesting people lke you in sheffield not some fake as 'wah gwan' wannabes. Decided on your party list and venue yet?

vindication through innocence said...

Mr fineboy-So it is true- you are indeed a FINE geeza! and your babe is equally pretty-funny how i found out-ok not that funny-in fact, not funny at all!! bruv- your blog is the talk of the town(blogging town and otherwise)-so when is the update?

Orientatednaijababe said...

lol! lol!! lol!!! u are a very good writer...i am practically in love with you.....if u ever leave ur babe, holla at moi.

Anonymous said...

you are such a riot!men that was so funny..poor tiwa tiwa..she go dey wait 4 money

Demola said...

Uncle Poppy is just in love with PoonTang period... That guy for dan Born enuff Pikin all around...
KOOL BLOG ...Keep It Coming!

linda ikeji said...

mr fineboy, 75 comments? ure my hero!lol

Deji's World said...

lmao!! uncle poppy..i get one like dat sef. you know whow they say "bobo no go die unless to ba darugbo"..lol..once again you've delivered.

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanks 4 comin' thru and commenting, everyone! i appreciate the love! @vindication...hmmm how did u find out?

Anonymous said...

So, I had a bad day at work, and I ran home to read Mr. Fineboy to see if I could get cheered up. WTF?! Imagine!
Your blogs are pretty addictive. What's funny is that I just found out about it yesterday and I already went through the whole damn thing.
Big Ups.

Idemili said...

Oya e do! Update this blog NOW!

kulutempa said...

my DAYS that's funny! i have a driver named sunday too that looooves GIST! every embarrassing tale of woe and infidelity that has transpired in my family, i've heard from sunny's mouth. you're hilarious, dude!

Thoughts of a Virgo said...

that was so funny!

Gift said...

"naked’ed" haha i still can't get off that word.. wow.. yeye man.. im through for the night