I had a fantastic weekend guys! I should have put something up for you, but abeg no vex, I was too busy running around. Friday was pretty chill, I hung out with a couple of peeps, just jamming in the house. For the sake of April fool’s I had to play a couple of pranks as well now.
My close friends know me as a serial prank caller. I’ve gotten everybody with my Pakistani voice phone calls, so I’ve started switching it up. My friend Ngo gave me one of her friends’ numbers on Friday night, and everybody gathered around the phone. (I put it on speaker)
Me(in thick Yoruba accent): Is that my Tiwa Tiwa?
Tiwa: Err…yes…who’s this?
Me: It’s your uncle Pekun! Last time I saw you, you were a little, tiny thing like this. Hehe…your daddy gave me your phone number in Lagos. How are you my dear? Mummy e nko?
Tiwa: She’s fine thank you….
Me: Anyway my dear, I’m in London briefly, and I’ll be leaving tomorrow for New York, but I want to send some very small pocket money to you and your sister. I’ told Lanre(her dad’s name) that I’d get in touch. I hope £500.00 is not too small o, when you people come to Lagos again, I will see you ehn?
Tiwa: No problem sir, thank you very much uncle!
Chei! Uncle??? Now now? Ole.
Me: Ah, don’t mention. Nkan kekere ni. (It’s a little gesture.) Please give me your address.
The babe gave me the complete address o, with post code and everything! I wan die of laughter men.
Me: Okay my dear. Ba mi ki mummy e (Say hey to your mum.)
Tiwa: I will. Thank you so much Uncle. Have a nice day sir.
Uncle ko, uncle ni. People like money o! Men, Ngo hasn’t even told her it was us. The babe go wait tire.
Isn’t it funny how everybody has one of those uncles? One dude that you see like once in five years, and always reminds you of how little you were the last time he saw you, and then squares you some dough?
I have one like that, Uncle Akin. The man is loaded out the ying-yang, and he’s always happy to settle. I check him out whenever he’s in London o. He’s actually quite scary….he talks very fast and sitting with him is like being at a job interview. “Fineboy, how are your studies? What do you plan on doing after that? Why?” blah blah…but the bobo always drops dough, so I don’t mind. I remember one time though when I was a kid, that the guy finished me on the phone.
He called one afternoon to speak to my popsi, who wasn’t home. His wife had just died, and me I didn’t know o. So he tells me to take down a number. Remember when you were a kid, and wouldn’t feel like writing down a number and just kinda pretended that you were? That’s what I did.
“Tell him to call me….you have a pen?”
“Okay, 4611627…..or my brother-in-law’s house…...631379…”
“Read out the numbers to me..”
“You mean you didn’t write down the numbers?????”
“Are you stupid? You’re very stupid…are you stupid? You’re very very stupid!!! Stupid idiot…are you stupid?? Come on, go and get a pen!!!”
I’ve never run so fast to get a pen in my life. I love Uncle Akin though, the guy is a correct guy, unlike some of my other uncles. I have one other one, Uncle Muyiwa. Men, the guy owns hotels and all sorts, paid up! But this guy no fit square person one naira o.
Those days, we would be hoping that our uncles would give us dough, so we could blow money on ‘trips.’ But that Uncle Muyiwa ehn? As you walked to the car, the guy would put his hand in his pocket, bring it out and wave goodbye! Imagine. The guy never change o. I even jacked him last December, point blank, like “Oya uncle, drop something…”
He just smiled and said “That one na foul!” Fake guy!
My most notorious uncle is Uncle Poppy. Don’t ask. Apparently the guy was ‘the man’ when he was young, so his nickname was “Popular,” hence “Poppy”. The guy like woman eh? Jesus Christ! I remember one time, he was at our house in Lagos, and I heard him saying in a very low voice as I approached the kitchen….
“Darling, don’t worry! I will take care of you! Is it London? Is it Rome??”
Ah ah. Who Uncle Poppy dey follow talk?
When I entered the kitchen, I couldn’t believe it o. Blessing, our housegirl! That one too was smiling and holding his hand. Shuo! They both looked startled when I walked in, and my uncle goes, “Fineboy Fineboy! Blessing, get me get a glass of water..” and walked out. Imagine!
Apparently Uncle Poppy don kpansh all the housegirls that have ever been hired in his house, without fail. Now my aunty hires strictly houseboys, and very young ones sef, because she can’t put anything past the guy. Uncle Poppy doesn’t care o…tall, short, fat, razz, anything goes.
I’ve made up my mind sef that the guy won’t meet Finebabe anytime soon. You don’t know that guy men. One time, he was asking my ex if she’d ever slept in a 6-star hotel, if she’d been to Dubai, if she’d ever heard of Cartier shoes…blah blah… how young boys don’t know anything about enjoyment…blah..blah.
That one sef begin trip because she didn’t know that Cartier made shoes. She too was answering innocently, until I give am serious warning! That uncle poppy na criminal o.
That’s how at my cousin’s wedding last December, my cousin Derin introduced him to her friend, Funke. The guy was just smiling at the babe throughout, going “Funky baby, hehe…omo to da, to fine dada.” (Fine babe.) He must have said it like twenty times. How embarrassing!
It’s a shame that I wasn’t present for the funniest Uncle Poppy moment ever though. But I’ve heard the gist so many times, that I might as well have been there. Apparently, one day, Uncle Poppy pulled into the driveway at his house with my popsi. As he got outta popsi's car, his live-in driver, Godwin, came charging towards him.
“Oga! I should beat you to a pulp!”
Uncle Poppy and Chief Fineboy looked shocked.
Godwin shook a finger right in Uncle Poppy’s face.
“I suppose beat you, shameless man!”
He was livid o. Chief Fineboy asked him,
“Have you lost your mind?”
“Daddy, if not that you’re here sir, I will beat nonsense out of this shameless master! God know!”
Uncle Poppy stood with his mouth wide open.
Chief Fineboy goes, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Sir, master attempted to step on my integrity! He was trying to copulate with my wife sir! Can you believe it? He lured her into that guest room and naked’ed himself sir!”
Chief Fineboy looked at uncle Poppy who said,
“Gerroff my property, madman!”
Everybody was tense, and Chief Fineboy’s driver, Mr. Sunday had to hold Godwin back. Chief Fineboy looked on in shock.
“Useless oga! Trying to make intercourse with my own wife!”
Uncle Poppy was embarrassed. Godwin left that day, and never came back, and it was apparently obvious that he was guilty as charged. Na Mr. Sunday give us the gist o, like 200 times.
“That ya uncle na wa o. The man like woman no be small. If to say Godwin wife gree am, e for climb am! Chineke, Godwin for break that him big head that day! Yeye man wey no fit respect himself…..e don climb all the small small girls wey dey sell bread for that area sef! No tell Oga say na me tell you o.”
As usual, I’ve veered off point…I wanted to tell you about my weekend o. Sorry, next update! I’ll holla soon y'all!