Thank God I got some work done yesterday. I ended up having a couple of drinks with the guys on monday night and left early. To be honest, I think everybody’s a bit stressed out at the moment, so there really wasn’t any madness, ope o! I might be hitting the library this morning, but I need to type up a letter quickly.
It’s a letter of invitation for my guy Fridayscoco to come and visit. You guys might remember me mentioning him in ‘Friends like these…”
I know what you’re thinking. No, Fridayscoco is not a common houseboy o. The guy is my main man! In fact last December, he was known as my Personal assistant. Na the guy even give himself the name.
I met Fridayscoco through my longtime homeboy and former flatmate Akinzo. Akinzo moved back from NY a couple of years ago, and lives down the road from me in Nige as well. Fridayscoco used to be a pump attendant at a petrol station that Akinzo frequented, and Akinzo just liked the dude. When Fridayscoco lost that job, he needed a new one and a place to stay, so Akinzo said he could stay in his BQ. They already had a housegirl, so the dude pretty much just helps in any way he can, mostly by running errands and stuff.
My first day in Lagos, I walked across to Akinzo’s house, and Fridayscoco opened the gate. The guy damned near hugged me o!
“Bros Fineboy! I don dey wait you bros!”
Ah ah. Where do I know this joker from? I realised then he must have been Fridayscoco ‘cos he sometimes picked up the phone when I called Akinzo from London. Apparently he recognized me from some of Akinzo’s pictures.
Later on, Akinzo and I were catching up in the living room, when Fridayscoco walked in.
“Bros, na me go dey drive you for this Lagos o!”
“What makes you think I can’t drive in Lagos?”
“Ha! Nooo bros, this lagos driving na kolo driving o!”
His mind was made up. Me sef I just gbadun the guy so I agreed to let him drive me once. Akinzo said he was a good driver, so I wasn’t too worried. Later that afternoon, he took me to see a couple of people, and he was just cracking me up, asking all kinds of strange questions.
“Bros FB, shey na true say for Yankee, you and bros Akinzo just dey organize all those American girls like water?”
And he always started laughing excitedly when I confirmed Akinzo’s stories.
“HAAAA! Bros mi, u mean am?? Chei!”
I ended up getting attached to Fridayscoco o. The next morning, I came downstairs and Mr. Morris told me that one of my friends was waiting for me. At 10 am? Fridayscoco was just chilling downstairs o. He had told the gateman that he was my PA, and he was reporting for duty. The guy had showered and everything o, ready for the day.
“Ah ah. Fridayscoco. How far?”
“Bros I dey. I don ready o. Anywhere you dey go, na me and you. No shaking. Make I go wash the car?”
This guy was serious o. He ended up driving me that day, and before you knew it, the dude was with me 24/7. The drivers at my house ended up hating the guy, because apparently ‘the bobo too dey demo!’ When he wasn’t driving, he was busy marvelling at my friends. One night, after I had walked a couple of guests to the gate, he goes,
“Bros mi, these your Yankee friends na wa o. I no go lie you, mammy water go dey among them.”
“What? Mammy water ke?”
“No vex bros Fineboy. But that yellow one wey just comot, she fit be mammy water.”
I laughed. “Why?
“You no see as all of them fresh, fine well well, come dey laugh ‘rererere?’ I never see woman like these ones o. They fine no be small.”
“I can hook you up o.”
“Me? God forbid. Me I no fit follow that kin’ woman o.”
“Bros mi, you be my person, I no fit bobo you. One day like that, I go one hotel for Ikeja, go drink pepper soup. Come see yellow yellow babies! Ha! They boku for there well well. I come begin mark one. The day wey I carry am enter room….hmm bros Fine, the thing wey my eye see ehn?”
“What did you see?”
“Bros, coolele! As I comot all my cloth finish, she off light, come commot her cloth sef….. Na im I look her leg o. Bros Fineboy! Na goat leg dey there o! If you see as I run comot bros, my leg dey knack my head for back!”
“Ha! Fridayscoco! You can lie ehn!!!!”
“Oooooh Bros Fineboy, you no go wan hear my own....."
"You mean she had a goat's hooves for feet?"
"Ese Ogunfe! (Goat's leg!) If you like we fit go the hotel sef, people don know am well well for that area. Na winch now.”
The guy had mad stories. At first they were hard to believe, but the guy himself seemed to really believe them. And seeing the amount of nonsense I experienced with the guy last December, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them were true.
I gave Fridayscoco a bunch of t-shirts and a pair of jeans, and if you see the way the guy used to remix the clothes, you wouldn’t believe it. One morning, I called him to meet me at Cubes ‘cos I knew I was gonna be drunk before the end of the night, and didn’t wanna drive myself home. Omo, when the guy bounced in ehn, my friends were asking me if he lived in America or England. As in the dude was fresh! He even had a chain hanging from his belt loop to his pocket! Awon Usher guys!
One of my boys from the states JJ, came to Lagos to get married in December. He came with his fiancée, Krystal (who’s American) and some members of her family. Fridayscoco went with us every time we took the foreign visitors out, and he was really eyeing the Krystal babe’s cousin, a 22 year old chick called Alisia.
When he first told me, I laughed it off, like, ‘see your mouth like you like am.’ Omo, believe it or not, the babe too was feeling the guy o! She told Krystal, who told Akinzo. When I first heard, I thought I was gonna die of laughter. I really shouldn’t have been surprised, because the guy sef dey denge like Yankee boy. Fridayscoco was positive that this would be his ticket to Yankee. That’s how one day the Krystal babe started bombarding Fridayscoco with her thick Yankee accent.
“So what you do?”
“Your jab….what kinda work you do?”
“Oh, I’m a footballer.” He grinned. (This is true. He aspires to play professional football)
“You’re a football player? Really? Like for a team?”
“Yes.” I don’t know why the guy was nodding his head.
Ha! I was getting worried.
“You gotta be a wide receiver or a kicker, ‘cos you don’t look big enough to be no quarterback or lineback or nothing like that. Haha…you gotta be ‘bout a buck sixty maybe!”
The look on Friday’s face read “Yeeeeeeparipa, which one be dis?”
I jumped in quickly. “Nah, he plays soccer.”
“Oh…..so you go to school down here, or did you study in the states like Akinzo and ‘em?”
“Yeah, yeah.” He smiled. I could tell he was lost so I jumped in quickly to take the heat off him.
“So Alisia, you like it in Nigeria so far?”
Fridayscoco looked thankful. He used style to excuse himself, and he had many close brushes like that. Funny enough, they actually started to talk on the phone, and they even keep in contact now. Only God knows how they communicate o!
Fridayscoco is just an all-round correct guy men. The only time I ever got pissed off with him was at my homeboy Roroski’s Sallah barbeque party. I allowed the guy free rein most of the time, and since he had no problems blending in, I always just let him do his thing. Roroski had his bbq on a roof terrace at his house, and most people were up there, just chopping and shacking. But you know Naija moves now, there’s always one VIP section. It was downstairs, and a few of us close friends were kicking it there.
At some point, I needed to get a bottle of something and went up to the terrace. Who did I see right in the middle of the floor giving them mad steps??
Ha! Fridayscoco was the center of attraction o, doing ‘yahoo yahoo’ dance and singing “why me o?” Ha! I just got my drink and yelled out to him “Kokomaster! Enjoy, enjoy!”
When it was time to leave, I got somebody to call him for me. We got into the car, and my guy started reversing…….and reversing……and GBOWW!!!
The idiot had slammed into the generator! I came out of the car to look at the damage, and saw that he had chipped the paint pretty badly. But na just paint abi, no problem. Roroski asked me, “Are you sure this guy can drive home?” Why not now? I asked Fridayscoco if he had shacked. He replied no, and he didn’t even look tipsy, so I believed him.
My people, we hadn’t even gotten out of Roroski’s estate, and this morrafucka had dented the whole side panel after brushing up against another car! Heee! I wan die men! If you see the way I screamed at the guy to park ehn!
“Bros mi, no vex.”
“Are you drunk?”
“My friend give me the keys!”
Even I had been drinking, but there was no way I was going to allow this weré to drive home. The next day the joker didn’t even really remember what had happened. I now realised that when the guy was giving them all those yahoo yahoo steps, na vodka dey talk.
That was the only time my main man pissed me off. Oh, and one other time when we were stopped by one policeman at some checkpoint on the mainland.
Officer: Chairman, chairman. I dey hail!
Me: How you dey officer?
He leans against the window, and peers in…
Officer: Na you we dey look now. You know say na Christmas.
Fridayscoco: (Yelling) Why you stop us now? Yeye policeman wey dey wear slippers!
Officer: Na fight? Mr.man, you want wahala today? Park well well, comot for road! I will deal with you maslessly.”
Me: Shut up Friday. Officer no mind am, abeg.
Officer: Park, park, park.
Me: Officer, no need for all that one now. Here.
I put my hand in my pocket.
Fridayscoco: Bros mi, no give am anything! Come search! Na because of am you come back come Lagos?
Officer: My friend, you are provoking my temper! I will deal with you o. Shut up your mouth!
He turned back to me.
“So you be international sef. I don know. Na only foreign currency me I dey collect o. Na Christmas we dey.”
I give him a N5oo note.
“Chairman, ah ah…….from a whole oversea?”
“Don’t worry I’ll see you later…I’m still in the area.”
“Okay o. (He looks at Friday) Na your chairman save you today.”
We drove off, and I warned Friday never to try that nonsense again, before he got us arrested. The stubborn goat wouldn’t budge.
“Bros, na we dey Naija. We sabi holo them. Nothing dey happen!”
I’ll holla soon, y’all!