An officer and a gentleman.

Long time no holla people...I know it’s been a minute. Too much work to do at the moment. I've been writing essay upon essay, and I'm so tired of thinking, I swear. This master's thing is no joke o. People lied to me man.

Meanwhile, I'm mad because I was at the Nigerian job fair thingy last week friday, and on saturday afternoon one consultancy called and said they wanted me to be at Russell square within the hour for an interview.

At that point, I was in the library writing essays, and I couldn't leave. I just thought, "long thing!" and told them to e-mail me to reschedule. Meanwhile, my boy Roroski went for that 2nd interview, and they offered the guy a job two days later! Damn! Who beg me say make I dey pose? Chai! Now, I've resorted to blowing up the mobile number that they called me with, and I think the woman even locked me off last time I called. Imagine.

Anyway it's all gravy. I got called for a job interview with this other Nige bank on tuesday after taking a competency test for them the day before. They asked me to come in at 9am and I hadn’t gotten home until 12.30am the night before so I was rather upset as it meant very little sleep. Anyways, I got up nice and early, and omo I kak'd my safe dark gray suit, a white shirt and a purple and lilac tie. I denge in front of the mirror. Ha! Mo bad gan!

I got to the venue at like 8.45, thinking "worst case scenario, I'd be out by 10." Not so o. I sat in the waiting room with some JJC-looking guys for like 2 hours before I even got called in!

While we were waiting, the ju-man next to me sha wanted to yarn by force. Now, I'm not anti-social or anything, but when you don't know someone and they just keep talking to you like you’re friends, it's annoying man. My whole body language should have shown this guy that I wasn't interested in conversation, but the guy no wan gree o.

"I'm Vincent."

"How's it going man?"

"Fine thanks. You are?"

"Sorry. Fineboy"

"Okay. Are you very worried about this interview?"

“Not really.”

“Don’t be navos. You must not show navosness because they can see it in your face o. Be very relaxed.”

“Oh okay.”

“I’ve been in this country since 2005, but I want to see what can happen in Nigeria. If the money is very good, I may go.”

“Oh aight.”

Oooooh o! This guy wouldn't let me read my new Soyinka book o.

I was so happy when I finally got called in for the interview. Free from Mr. Vincent, thank God.

I walked in and drew a deep breath. There were three men at the desk. I’m guessing executive directors or something. One of them was quite young, like in his thirties, so I figured he must have been the owner's famous managing director son. I took a seat.

"So tell me about yourself."

I give them a brief monologue, and before I'm even done, the oldest guy asks me,"Why you, why do you want to work here, why?"

I give him one well-rehearsed answer about how great I am, how wonderful their company is, and somewhere along the line I must have used the word "dynamic."

The guy hissed, "We will soon see how dynamic you are!" and looked at my cv.

They now started asking me a bunch of questions including who my father was! NO LIE!

Anyway, in the end, the interview took like 10, 15 minutes, when everybody else’s took like 40. I don’t know what that means men, but we’ll see now.

To be honest, it wasn’t as stressful as I had expected. Before I went in for mine, this girl came out of the room in tears. She was mumbling something about how rude and mean they were and apparently she just walked out before the interview was even over. I don already make up my mind say if those guys talk nonsense to me for there, I’d abuse somebody’s father. I kuku already have a job offer in London.

The truth though is that it was actually mild compared to the 2nd round interview I had with a big bank in London last year.

Omo, that one was quite mad. There were two top boys from the company and if you see the way they scrutinized my cv eh? At one point, they were asking me questions from it, and I swear I wanted to peek and see what I had written on the cv, because omo, I no remember everything on that thing men.

“What is your greatest quality?”

“You are aware that our firm hires only the brightest brains in the business, aren’t you? Why should we pick YOU?”

Men, it was a sweatbox in there. I was pissing my pants. I got asked all sorts of questions, including ratios and percentages and all sorts. Thankfully, I’m pretty good with general knowledge stuff, so I kinda coasted through. Then the bombshell.

“Mr.Fineboy, can you tell me how many airplanes are presently flying in British airspace at this moment?”

Chei! What the hell kinda question is that?? I was about to start sweating, because I know say lailai I no know that one o. I thought for a second…..

“More than one, that’s for sure!”

The man looked at me for a second and then just burst out laughing. Whew! They must have liked the answer because I hold an offer from them now, but me I wan go naija men.

Without a doubt, that was the hardest interview I’d ever had. The easiest one was the one I had for my first job ever in Yankee. I was a freshman at University and Akinzo had called me to say he knew a place where we could make some part-time dough. Awon boys were broke students, so I told the guy, “I’m down o, as long as it isn’t working in a shop or something.”

The guy assured me that it wasn’t and was some administrative gig, and the next day we drove up to this building. As we got out of the car, Akinzo said,

“FB, I lied yesterday. This thing is for a security job o….”

The madman burst out laughing, while I stood there stunned.

Secure-kini??

I wanted to turn around, but it was too late. Akinzo said it wasn’t like Nige security anyway, all we’d have to do was sit at some desk in some faraway building and nobody’d see us. And we’d also be getting paid like $12.00 an hour.

Omo, I think am! At the time, $12.00 and hour was good kishi o. I could be using that one for extra pocket money, since Chief Fineboy dey always do anyhow when it was time to settle boys. So we went in, and filled out one easy-ass test that seemed more like a questionnaire. They called each of us for interviews immediately.

The bobo was just happy to have college students interviewing for jobs with them. Under like 5 minutes, the guy invited us to come for an orientation session two days later.

At the session, come hear toooory! There were like 1 million rules. This is what you do when you see something suspicious. This is what you do when this….This is what you do when that….

Never arrest a suspect. Emi? Who was planning on arresting anybody?

Wear your uniform with pride. God punish you.

Always show deference and respect to your superior officers. E no go better for superior officer.

This is not a job, it’s a career. Na your papa go get this kin’ career.

Anyhow, that’s how I started work o. They put me in this pharmaceutical building after hours. There were like three other guys on the shift. Let me not lie, when I first got that uniform, I like am small o. Dark grey pants, light grey shirt, grey tie (clip-on), grey bomber jacket, with a gold badge that had my Officer no. on it.

I denge in front mirror. Hmm. Officer Fineboy.The uniform was just like a policeman’s uniform. This is the sort of thing that I’d have killed for as a kid. I now started practising.

“Hays! Stop there!”

“Ma’am calm down…I’m just trying to do my job..”

“Radio radio…10-4 10-4, whats your location?”

Omo I don mad finish. I went to the building. They gave me instructions and I sat down in front of one monitor that had nine small surveillance screens on them. The supervisor told me there was a camera watching me, and I wasn’t allowed to doze even for one second. Na wa o. That’s when it began dawning on me. See my life. I sat staring at that boring screen for hours, and it was like watching paint dry men.

After like an hour, the guy told me on radio that it was my turn to do the rounds. He came up and gave me one wand and a map, telling me all the spots that I had to hit around the premises before I came back. No problem now.

That’s how I went outside. OMO! If you see the premises, it was like a huge factory or something with woods at the back, and I had to go into all these buildings and boiler rooms and stores. Fear catch me die! I was just thinking all sorts of things. Ha! At like 12 am o, and all I had in my hand was a torch.

I had just begun my round, walking slowly across the dark yard when one of the other guys came on the radio “Oficer Fineboy, don’t worry too much about the snakes on the premises. They’re harmless. You might also see a raccoon or a deer, but nothing dangerous.”

Oloshi. That even scared me more. Heeee! God who begged me o? I was just thinking, this America, any kin’ animal fit come chop person for here o. Or even serial killer. I was just praying throughout.

I finally got back to the desk after like an hour, by which time I had made up my mind that there was no way I was coming back on day 2. For what now? Because of $12.00 an hour? God forbid bad thing. Before the end of my eight-hour shift, I had to do the rounds again twice.

The next time I went on the rounds, it was 3am. I remembered one houseboy that we once had in Nige, Dennis telling me that 3 am was the hour when witches used to have their meetings. Jesus Christ! I know I was a grown-ass man, but men when I stepped out into that pitch-darkness with nothing but that yeye flashlight, omo fear catch me no be small.

I just started walking slowly around the premises, flashing their pangolo torch. I wasn’t even inspecting their bloody grounds, I was on the lookout for any possible ogbanje or witch that might jump out of the woods. Not like there was anywhere to run. Fear catch me no be small men. I just kept asking myself over and over again who sent me.

As I made my way into one dingy boiler room, one of those idiots shouted over the radio. “Officer Fineboy, everything okay?”
I almost jumped out of my skin! The crackle scared the shit outta me men, I think say na one oyinbo ghost don appear.

The two other officers now started talking to each other (they were in different parts of the building) about ghosts and the supernatural, and whether or not it really existed. Omo! I wan slap person men! Why the hell would someone be talking about that kinda thing at 3am when I’m walking around some huge yard by myself? Bastards!


By the time I got back to the desk, my mind was made up! I wasn’t coming back men.

When I got home in the morning, I called the office and told them I wouldn’t be working anymore. The oga was very sympathetic o. He said he absolutely understood but wouldn’t want to lose one of his college kids.

The guy was just giving me one long story to disncourage me from leaving, and then finally offered to transfer me to another site. He promised that I wouldn’t have to do any strange midnight rounds, and there’d be no cameras on the client site watching my every move.

Na so I gree o. That’s how the guy moved me to some place called Falls Village and gave me directions. Omo, that afternoon, as I drove towards the place, I remembered that it was one shopping centre like that! Yeeeee! It wasn’t like a mall, it was more like a complex of stores. Jesus Christ! On a Saturday afternoon! Gaddem! Men, there was no telling who I could jam there.

When I resumed, the dude who I was taking over from told me that I could just drive around in my car, and come out at intervals. He told me that the biggest problems in that area were people loitering at the back of some restaurant, and teenagers spray painting graffiti on the walls.

Ope o! At least I’d be able to harass some kids that would be afraid of an officer on patrol.

I laid low for the first two hours, just driving around incognito until the supervisor called me on the company cellphone to say that one bookstore had complained about some kids smoking weed behind their building.

Correct! Time for action! I drove to the back of the bookstore and spotted the kids.

I sped my car up to them and braked sharply. I started to jump out of the car, and omo that’s when I noticed say these ones no be small teenagers o. I had already started shouting then and it was too late to retract..

“Excuse me gentlemen!”

One big tall ghetto-looking gangster type type in oversized jeans and one long-ass t-shirt turned around.

“What up???” The guy stuck his chest out as if he was ready for action.

The other guys come bone up. Jesus Christ! These ones fit scatter person head o. Na my papa company?

“No problem at all gentlemen. Just making sure everything’s alright. Have a nice day guys.”

“Right back at chu, homie.”

Omo, if you see the way I sped off eh? I called the supervisor.

“I’ve taken care of the situation, S/O.”

Olori buruku. You dey find who una go take experiment abi? Then when gangsta boys break my head, you’ll say I was a model officer abi? Not Fineboy.

When I got home that day, I called my popsi. I knew that if I told him I’d been working security, he would flip. His own son, working security? He would increase my pocket money sharp sharp.

“Dad, I have something to tell you. You wouldn’t believe it.”

“What’s that son?”

“I’ve been working as a security guard.”

He burst out laughing.

“Haha…son, do you mean you’re a mai-guard?”

Is this man trying to be funny?

“Pretty much.”

“That’s great. Such experiences only help to mould you in your journey toward manhood. I commend your bravery son. Have you succeeded in apprehending any criminals running afoul of the law?”

Imagine!

Men I went back to that office and returned their dirty uniforms after only a week. Apprehend ko, Apprehend ni.


I'll holla at y'all.....it's a very busy time guys, but I’ll try to update again soon, I promise!