DAAAAAMN! 3 months!!!! I’m effed men! Happy New Year my people. I’m so sorry I’ve been AWOL, but a lot’s been going on with your boy. I’ve been mad busy with things outside of blogger like relocating, running a business, and tweaking my first novel.
What’s good now? It’s been a minute! I’ve missed you guys men. What’s happening in blogsville? Shout out to the bloggers who’ve remained consistent and tried to keep this blogville thing alive. Special shout out to my sweetheart Bella, who’s always on top of her game, constantly updating. Kai, I dey always jealous am!
Christmas was crazy men. Spent it in Nige of course, but it was different ‘cos I knew I was back for good. This Nigeria is crazy men! Real concrete jungle, as in, I’ve witnessed all sorts of madness since last December. I’ve been around for a month now, and this is the longest that I’ve been in Nige in eleven years! Of course it’s weird, but I’m loving it.
It’s funny how quickly I’ve adapted to life in Nige though. Back in the day, when I would come back for Christmas, I’d be giving everybody N500 and N1k. Now. Omo, which side? Na so so N100 and N200 I dey dash people. Abeg I no dey earn dollar again.
The other day I was in traffic in V.I and this little boy came and started spraying liquid soap on my windscreen. I was trying to wave him away, but he wouldn’t go o. He just ignored me until he had squeegeed off the dirty soap water. He now came to my window and stretched out his hand for dough. Of course, as usual my coin compartment was full of twenty and ten naira notes, so I gave the guy ten naira. My people, if you see the abuse wey this small boy fire on top my head ehn? I don suffer.
Boy- Oga na how much be this?
He started to walk away.
Boy- E no go better for you! Ten naira inside this big car. Oloshi Olori buruku……
Me- Ehn? Am I your mate?
Boy- Comot there! Yeye man.
I swear I started to remove my seat belt so I could get out the car, but I come re-think am. Na so some agberos fit just come carry my car go because i wan dey chase one ill-mannered urchin. The boy sef disappeared. I don suffer for Lagos o. I’m glad I’ve become accustomed to Lagos life though. Even my mum says I’m now a real Lagos man. Everyday, new things happen that just amaze me though. If I begin tell una story, we go dey here all day.
One of the things I wondered about when I was moving back was what going out on dates would be like. Like in the states, I had a long mental list of the best restaurants for a first date. Another one for special dates; like birthdays and valentine’s day. I knew where the best movie houses were. Basically, dating came easy.
But in Nige, I was wondering; where would you take a girl on a date? The thing also is, I drive in lagos, but my navigation is limited. I know how to get around VI and Ikoyi. I know VI to Lekki and VGC. I know VI or Ikoyi to Ikeja. FINISH. If you start adding new locations, na wahala. So there was my question; what if babygirl lives in some random place like Akowonjo? How would you find it? Sat-Nav no dey Naija o. Wahala.
That reminds me; hehe, as usual let me digress small…....so I met ms. Beautiful through a friend in December. Lovely chick, just moved back as well from the states. We met up on a Friday afternoon, and were headed to cactus to get some shawarmas and drink chapman by the water. Kai. Effizy dey Naija o.
Anyhow, we stopped at the Total gas station by the VGC gate, and I told the attendant to fill it up. Ms. Beautiful went into the little shop thingy to get PK gum. So there I was, getting my money ready for the attendant when I hear this thick Hausa accent in my window.
“Oga, you like this one? This one go good po you well well.”
I look up and see this tall mallam dude holding a colourful box. At first I didn’t even see what was on the box properly, then:
My people, I don die. On the cover of the box was a drawing of a naked dude with the biggest GBOLA you’ve ever seen in your life. On top of the drawing was written in bold pink, “VIAGRA.” Ah ah, which kin’ Viagra be this one?
Me- (laughing)- Aboki thank you I no want.
Aboki- Ah, You dey laugh oga mi. This one if you drink am, you go poke, poke, poke, you no go tire.
“Aboki, thank you, I say I no want.”
Aboki- E good o. That ya egba (cane) go dey stand well well. E no go die lai lai.
Me- Ah ah. Aboki, I be young man, I no need am now.
Aboki- I know say you be young man, but you no say your thing no dey reach the last bus stop. If you drink am, e go touch him bus stop well well. Madam go dey cry yeeeeeeeeee, yeeeeee, yeeee no killiiii me ooo.
Were. Who told him “I no dey reach the last bus stop?”
Men, I just wanted the guy to fade quickly before Ms. Beautiful came out of the store.
Aboki-Oga I swear no be lie, this one na gidigba gidigba.. Drink am, e go be like fire for madam yansh.
See me see trouble o. Abi is this guy mad? Ms. Beautiful starting walking towards the car.
Me- Oya oya, aboki carry am go quick quick. My wife don come.
Aboki- Oga mi, walahi talahi, when I drink am for this one, I just dey flog my iyawo with my egba. I just dey flog am, flog am, flog am so tay, the thing no die. She just dey cry " Aaaaaays! Danladi don killi me ooooo! E don finish my life oooo!"
Na God go punish this aboki o! I was winking at the guy to disappear men.
She got in the car. This madman didn’t leave o!!!! He now bent in the window and displayed it fully!
Aboki- Oga, okay you say the money too much. Just give me N200. Your thing go dey fire go like pistol machine, walahi.
Ha! I don die, now this girl is gonna think I was actually negotiating with this mallam o.
Me- My guy, I say I no want.
I looked at the attendant, “This thing isn’t full yet?”
Aboki- Oya oga, what of this one? You talk say your thing dey touch madam last bus stop. Abi madam?
The guy stuck out his forearm and clenched his fist, then grabbed his right elbow.
Aboki- This one if you drink am, your gbango go long, e go come stand well well. Berry strong, I no go lie to you oga mi. Madam you see am?
I wanted to die. Ms. Beautiful was just looking straight ahead. Finally the attendant filled up and I paid and zoomed off. For the rest of the ride I was so embarrassed I swear. Good thing is she has a sense of humour and we just laughed it off. Bastard aboki.
Some things only happen in Lagos I swear.
Just the other day I got stopped by the traffic warden at Ozumba Mbadiwe in VI, so he could let traffic through from the opposite side. Just as I stopped, this LASMA guy (the road safety dudes) comes in front of the car and says; “Oga you don commit. You’re using ya mobile.”
Me- Officer, it was an emergency call now. I had to answer it. Oya sorry, sorry.
Officer- Sorry? Hiss.
Dude freaking jumps into the backseat of the car!!! (My boy Roroski was in the passenger seat.)
Me- Ah ah.
Officer- Oya, we’re going to the station. Nonsense. We must impound this vehicle, or I arrest you, or both.
Arrest ko, arrest ni.
Roroski- Officer, shebi we’ve begged you. He got off the phone now.
Officer- My friend, drive! Una small small boys think say because u dey drive big car, u fit dey do anyhow. DRIVE!
The warden waved my lane through, and I just pushed the central lock button.
Me- You wicked abi? We go see who go arrest who today.
Officer- You say wetin?
Now, me and Roroski just started talking, and then I increased the volume of my Sasha P CD.
Officer- Slow down, slow down.
Roroski- Are you mad? Na you get car?
I just dey fire the car through Lekki Epe expressway men. Na so officer begin beg o.
Officer- Chairman, please slow down o. Slow down. We’ve passed the station. Ah.
Me- No o. You be big man now abi? Radio your station. Tell them I’ve arrested you. You’re in trouble today.
Officer- Egba mi o. Ha. Oloun o ma ni je' ari Esu o! Aiye mi!
(God please dont let me come across evil o! My life!)
Officer- Bros! (tapping Roroski on the shoulder) Please help me beg am now. I just dey do my work. Please ehn?
Roroski- Beg ke? E don vex o. Better beg him yourself.
The dude started begging o. I was dying of laughter inside, but I just blanked him.
Officer- My chairman, please I’m sorry ehn. You’re going too far away for me. Please bros, I make a mistake. I don’t know that it’s you. I would have not make the mistake. Please I’m taking God to beg you, my chairman.
The dude was now sweating. I come begin wonder why the guy dey sweat. What was he afraid of? He probably thought my popsi was some military guy that was gonna flog his yansh when we got home. Luckily there was no traffic all the way to VGC, but as I slowed down at the gate to go over a speed hump, the dude just jumped out like a monkey. It was hilarious men.
Me- Ah ah, officer wait! Why did you run now?
The guy bolted away and stood at a distance. Of course all the people in the area were just cracking up. I told him “Officer you’re lucky o. The next time you try me, I will deal with you squarely!” (LOL, I learnt that statement in Naija.)
The guy now starts bowing.
“Sorry sir, I’m sorry.”
As I began to drive into VGC, the guy shouted,
“My chairman, please no vex. Please can you assist me with N150 for okada back to the station?”
Only in Nigeria.
Happy 2008 y’all. It feels so good to be back. Oh and Izie, this one's for you. ;-)