I've been sitting in my Uni library all morning trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do for my birthday this summer. I have three essays to turn in, and exams to study for, but na only birthday dey my head. Imagine.
I have a few things in mind. I haven't had a party in years, but I'm thinking of renting a cottage in the Lake district on my birthday weekend for like 30 people. But the main problem is that I have such a diverse group of friends. I have my "bougie" (bourgeois) friends that I grew up with. My best friend Mr.Prettyboy is one of those. You remember those friends that, as kids, their houses were always fully AC'd up and they never came out? The ones that had bedrooms with sofas and huge toyboxes and every games console? No be say me I suffer when I dey small o, but you know what I mean now.
At prettyboy's house, there was nothing like eba o. Strictly lasagna or prawn vermicelli with strawberry parfait for dessert. They even had a poodle that used to come and lie on the bed! Those days i go just dey look that dog like say, if them born your papa well, come and sit down near me. Bingo oshi!
Then I have my agbero friends. You know the ones you meet from around the way, like in your grandmomsi's area , who think you're just a full aje butter? You learn to speak Yoruba from them and you get inititiated into the toasting local babes game. UUUH! See you, don't front o! Everybody has accosted some 'local talent' at some point as a teenager!
I have one guy like that, Orunmila. Omo, the guy's neck is fat as hell, hence the name Orunmila or Orun for short. I met Orun through my friend, Ose years ago. Orun is his distant village cousin, and I just gbadun the guy from day one. He used to organise buka rice for awon boys back when my momsi would have killed me if she knew I was eating it. Na with Orun I first climb okada o. Only once I might add, lol. Yeah right. Anyhow, the guy sabi organise local babes hehn? In fact last December, the bobo outdid himself.
Like a week into my holiday, we were sitting at the dining table in my house, chopping rice and beans with that crazy pepper stew that has like 100 pieces of meat on it. Kai, buka food sweet o. So what if iya Risi dey wash something inside? Story!
Anyhow, Orun in between mouthfuls goes, "Fineboy, you don mayan since you land?"
Orun: Mayan. You haven't poporompo'd since you got to Lagos.
Me: What does that mean?
Orun: This guy why u dey yarn like confirmed ju man! Have you baluba'd since?
I finally caught the drift. "Why? you get local talent for me ni?"
Orun: No be me??? I get one baaaaaad babe like this men. If you see her ehn? O bad gan.
Me: Na Unilag babe abi na LASU?
Orun: Omo forget that one. This one na home-schooling.
I burst out laughing.
"Whatever man, me I don't want."
A few days later, me and a couple of my guys, Roroski and Akinzo, were lounging out on the lawn just drinking Night Train and chopping chicken suya. Abi you no know night train? Ask your naija friends. Anyway, na so Orun land o. For naija, there's nothing like phone call to even find out whether or not you're at home. Boys go just show!!!
But, omo! If you see the beaurrrrifull chick that he guy landed with! Everybody just open mouth. And you know Naija boys can look. Omo, the babe was BAD! She had on those sexy skinny jeans that the Yankee girls be wearing and some bad-ass heels, with hoop earrings, everything. See body!!!!. Obatala o!!!! I swear if I was still in NY, I woulda said this one na from Dominican republic.
Orun introduced her to everybody as Ehi.
All she muttered was "Hi."
The guy sef saw the look in my eyes. This one na pure cocoa butter flawlessness. I was speechless. I called Fridayscosco to organise drinks for our guests, and asked the babe, "Ehi, so do you live around here?"
"No," she smiled.
I don dey already plan as I go pour sand inside Orun gari if he had any plans for this chick.
"Are you Orun's girl?"
"Noooooo!" she begin smile at fineboy.
Men that answer sounded a bit funny. The way she said it men. The thing bother me. That accent. Kai! It was like when your momsi asked the housegirl if she had stolen meat and she said "Mummy, not me! Nooooo!"
I now realized why the babe was only answering in monosyllables. This babe na refurbished housegirl men. Chai, but she was delicious I swear. If this one enter Yankee, men na Jay-Z them go dey chase am. I decided to still try.
"Your'e gorgeous to look at o." Macking skills abi? Emi naa mo.
"Ohh, tenks. You too you're fine now." (razz blushing)
Yeeeparipa! Omo, I no fit men. I no fit!!!! Omo yi razz men. This babe sounded like something straight outta Ajegunle. Her looks were banging, but men, I had to have some standards. The babe had one kin' smell to her as well. It wasnt like a stink, but it smelled like cheap perfume and/or one of those local creams men. The rest of the night I just avoided her inviting eyes. She was fine though....Chineke...
Anyway, where was I? Isn't it crazy how I always start talking about something and jump off on another tangent? Sorry!
So back to my birthday celebrations.....who to invite? Okay, so there's Prettyboy them, a couple of my 'Orun-type' guys, my cousins Tola, Reni, and Pudding, my babe and....hmm....Ngo?This is a bit of a dilemma o, because Ngo is a very good friend of mine. She is mad funny, very down to earth and an all-round cool person. So why dilemma? Cool down now. *cough* *cough* Ngo and I used to do some *cough* stuvs before.
Wait now! Ahn Ahn....the thing is Ngo is the type of person you can kick it with all day, everyday, play playstation with, yarn about football, and she can cook her ass off. But those attributes are the same things that rule her outta the relationship sphere. She's too much like one of your buddies, you know?But anyways, Ngo knows I have a babe now, and we don't do anything anymore o! And if I tell her that I'm doing something for my birthday and don't invite her, she'll never forgive me! Besides, having Ngo and her crew around will liven up the party like crazy! They're so much fun. But mi o fe lo daran men! Anything can shele...Ngo is a bit crazy as well, as in wire dey touch for her head sometimes, who knows what she might go and say there?
Last but not least I have a couple of close Jand 'bredrins.' Naija boys o, but they don turn to confirmed wha gwan boys. I dunno how they'll flow with my other friends. One of them, Splacka B, is bloody hilarious. At my cousin's birthday party in London a while ago, one Derin chick (a friend of my cousins) said she was feeling the guy. As in, that time she never hear the guy yarn now. So I go over and tell Splacka, "Men this babe is feeling you o."
The guy looks at me, then at the babe, and he's like "Yeah man! Mynah!"
So he walks up to the babe.
"Yes darling, y'alright?"
"You cool yeah?"
"I'm fine. Derin", she extends her hand.
"Splacka. True say I seen you all night yea, and man like me's thinking you're buff you nah."
WTF???? When Derin told me later I was fucking embarassed. Men, why naija boys go dey go morph into ghetto Jamo guys? I don't understand men. Splacka is a very close friend of mine though and I HAVE to invite him and a couple other 'wha gwan' peeps. But omo I no want kasalaka or embarassment that day o.....I'll let you know what I decide.