Sunday, March 18, 2007

Aunty Lori.....

I AM SO PISSED! I lost some crazy gist that I had for you guys, thanks to this blogger thing, which didn't work at all for like 4 days! For some reason it wouldn’t let me save or put the post up and it didn’t allow me to copy and paste either. After I lost it twice, I thought 'forget it' and was gonna just check my e-mail and go back to bed. Then I saw this e-mail and I was like “I gots to give you this gist briefly.” LOL.

It read “Hey Fineboy, I haven’t heard from you in like forever! How are you doing? What are you up to now? Bet your still being a little player. Holla at me baby! xxxx Lori.”

Okay, so Lori’s this ‘aunty’ that I went out one date with. It’s not even like that…lol….it’s just that my flatmate in Yankee, Akinzo, used to call every woman that was more than four years older than us ‘aunty.’ Lori was 29, and we met at this really nice chill spot on a night out with my partners in crime, Akinzo, Roroski and Mr. Diablo. I thought she was hot, and I could also tell that she was older.

I was only like 21 then, and was half-expecting her to slap the hell outta me when I walked up to her. A Nigerian ‘aunty' woulda been like “Who’s your mate???” But Yankee’s a different world altogether.... Lori was actually really interested, and we exchanged numbers and then talked on the phone and exchanged e-mails a few times.

Lori and I arranged a date. The plan was to meet at her apartment and then go out and do something. I thought we were gonna chill at her apartment for a little while, probably knock back a couple of drinks, and then go to dinner or something.

As I drove into the underground parking lot of her apartment building, I called her to let her know I was close by. I parked up, and then looked in the mirror to make sure say everything dey correct order.

Omo, na so my stomach begin do anyhow o. Of all times, why now, ehn? I let one rip briefly, make the thing no go catch me inside her apartment now. Gaddem!!! It was silent, but quite poisonous and deadly. Wowsers! Who begged me to eat that jollof indomie and egg that Akinzo cooked last night now? Too much pepper men. Lord have mercy. Even me sef that I was the culprit, I jumped out of the car and slammed the door quick, fast and in a hurry. Whew!

As I comot the car, I begin wiggle and shake well well, make the aroma no go follow me inside now. Haba! You guys can pose o! U no dey mess? Ha! Even my hot, uber-bougie babe dey mess o!

Anyhow, I picked up my phone and called Lori,

“Hey hun, what floor are you on?”

“I’m already downstairs cutie!”

I turned around and saw Lori walking towards me. She looked hot as usual. See body! We hugged.

“You ready?” she asked

“Yep,” I said and started looking around for her car.

“We’ll take yours.” She said and started walking towards my car.

Hehn!! Mine ke?

“It’s the black beemer right?”

“Err, yeah”

Chineke! That’s how I started whispering a prayer o. “Almighty Lord, King of Kings, rose of Sharon, God of Jacob…..Lord of miracles…..please Lord just do me this one miracle….please God let the stench have dissolved before we get to the car…..wonderful Jesus, please….”

We got to the car in like three seconds! I now started fidgeting around with my keyless entry remote like it wasn’t working…just to allow a couple more seconds for the horrible whiff to disintegrate.

Like a true gentleman, I opened the door for her and went around to my side. When I opened the door…JESU KRISTI!!!!!

Men the stench was as thick and potent as ever! Wowsers! I looked over at Lori. Men, the babe was just staring straight ahead, cross-eyed, like she was about to faint. The babe sef no even wan open mouth, make she no go vomit. I was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to say. It was now freezing outside again, so I had to turn on the heater. Imagine… real hot mess!

We got to this restaurant that Lori directed me to. As we entered, I noticed the place looked rather swank. But I had done my budgeting, pata pata I go spend like 60 bucks, no shaking. The waiter brought the menus.

AGBABIAKA O!!!

See prices! Ha! That’s how she now started ordering.

“May I please have the crispy risotto arancini for my starter……erm and the Canadian veal over haricots verts for my entrĂ©e…….and a glass of Sauvignon blanc please?”

Ehn! This aunty wicked o! I started calculating. Yeepa! Lori’s meal alone had entered like 65 card! Omo, I scanned that thing up and down like five times. I knew I had like 125 bucks in the account, but cable company never comot their own money inside o. And I still had to buy petrol. Chai!

Allow me now, I was still a broke-ass college student then!

“May I please have the warm Mediterranean salad…and still water…”

And I was starrrrrving o. The waiter sef looked at me like I was a madman. But I had to be careful, and that was like the cheapest option. If not, na me and aunty Lori for wash all the plates for their kitchen that night. The were waiter even brought a bottle of still water o, when all I wanted was a glass from the tap or sump’n!

The food came and Lori was just quaffing away. Kai, I was salivating men…her food looked meaty and scrumptious. And it smelled sooooo good men. Me, I just begin pack salt and pepper on top my salad to garnish am. Na God go punish this aunty agbaya o. She didn’t even offer me a taste of her meal, and had the nerve to say my salad looked ‘lovely’!

After we finished eating, Lori goes to the waiter,

“Oh I don’t think I have anymore space for dessert…”

Ehn Ehn! You for order chocolate cake now!!!! See her mouth like dessert.

Men, when the bill came, if you see the way I boned up ehn! The waiter sef wanted to laugh. I just paid it and we got out of there.

Throughout the ride back, Lori was just yarning away, all happy, while my own belle was still rumbling. I wanted to say to her, “It’s not your fault. Your stomach is full abi?”

I dropped her off, and for ages after that, she kept asking for another date.

Not I o. Not Fineboy. You don see mugu?

63 comments:

Anonymous said...

First Yeaeehhhh

You are the reason I am going to be committed in an asylum. My neighbours think I have completely lost it with the laughter. Nice one

Senorita said...

Good one. Next time please make it longer I had been waiting for you to update this and then you give me this short entry. Anyway sha funny still got my laugh for my Sunday

Anonymous said...

Lolll...... funny and real pls keep the posts coming

Chameleon said...

lol...@ ur prayer

meanwhile, that has happned to me before sha. going out with a younger guy to an uber-fab place and him not calling again.

abeg in choosing babe, make una dey cut your coat according to your size.

fab post!

coming soon! said...

Yes it is funny. Very funny, making me burst into laughter.

In fact, let me comment on the farting bit.

coming soon! said...

She may be asking for another date to give you a taste of your own medicine. If you have no financial worries, Mr. Fineboy, you should give her another date and hope she at the end of the evening would not be holding your head under the bedclothes so that you can get the full effect of it.

In my case, when an ex (from alderley edge in cheshire) would fart in bed, my first main reaction would be to stare silently at her with disgust. Until I joined in. I learnt that if you and your partner are not laughing at this pleasantly surprising event, you shouldnt be together. It cannot make you lose respect for your partner.

I wonder how many Nigerian pretty ladies are out there who can fart in front of a boyfriend?

azuka said...

Lordy Lord! You sef you no fit tell am say car get problem then drive small give the smell time to clear?

Bookmarked...

Ubong Da said...

God don catch you eh. u carry wetin pass ya power what did u expect.

On a serious note I thought you folks out there liked doing 50:50 on bills. hat happened this time?

Anonymous said...

OH MY GAWD...you are funny..MOVE OVER BABALAYE..MR.FINEBOY HAS WHOPPED YOUR ASS IN THE ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT..BOY YOU ARE TENNY(NOT(4) FUNNY)GETTIT??
OKAY I DRY SMALL..
BUT DAMN...MY SON THINKS HIS MAMMA HAS LOST IT.

Nilla said...

Really hillarious!!!

Mrs Somebody said...

Mr Fineboy......hahahahahaha.Keep it coming,this blog rawks!!!
Anonymous @12:29 you dry small....lol,don't mind me.you are not dry.you are tenny.

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

Afi "real hot mess" in every sense of the word. God dan catch u. U bit more than u could chew. Hope u've learnt ur lesson now.

BABE PLUS said...

Ah but this aunty sef just wan show u, u know say eh, she for don guage u come say make i show this small boy say e no go fit maintain my type.......

Mr.Fineboy said...

lol@you guys! This was back in the day o, when I was a young'un! I hold my own now...lol! Thanx 4 stopping by guys.

BOBBY said...

bwhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

This guy, i have told you that you will NOT kill me.

Love it!!!! Update more frequently abeg...

Bobby

The prayer part wan kill me ooo. Kai...

teekay said...

"Real hot mess" hhhheheehe LMAO as in literally.

Waffarian said...

My only question, why will you "mess" and then "compress" the air in a closed car? ehn? Its the same thing as farting under the bed covers(duvet or wharrever) and then instead of airing it out, you just stay under and hope it will disappear, untill your bed partner gets into bed, gets under the covers and ..................................Lord, the stench!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dami said...

Lmao @ "Imagine… real hot mess!"

she wants to see you again o!

bibi said...

blogger na olshi sha.. wers my cooment!!!

ok this post was hilarious..lmao at ur fart.. i feelmlike farting sef nw.. some bloogers are oliver twists.. they are even asking for more..una like gist o... hahaha fineboy great post...aunty lori try o..lol

Calabar Gal said...

Fineboy - You sef na wa for you!! U for wind down small make the stench commot before you drive off now? Enjoyed this post.

adumaadan - Blacktinkerbell said...

this is some hilarious stuff right here. The aunty sef, na serious agbaya. Abeg, keep the stories rolling. O ti bad ju.

Mr.Fineboy said...

@Bobby and teekay, thanks for stopping by!
@Waffarian, men I wasn't even thinking...i was just excited about seeing aunty o!
@calabar girl..I know men! But it was freezing and I used to hate it when my seat leather got cold!
@aduumadun, bibi and dami...thanx for stopping by!

Yosh said...

"I bone up, meehnn!" hahahaha! Ol boy squeeze! :) No worry, it all happes to us once in our lifetime! Me self excuse myself go "toilet" once, come run go the nearest bank with ATM to save face!

:D And that yr prayer no get part 2 o!

Noni Moss said...

Lolll - yeah this was quite "tenny". I can imagine you dying of mortification and her trying to hold back from reactying to the smell. :-D

Nice one!

exschoolnerd said...

buahahahahahahaha...pls pls ull not kill me...i can imagine how it'd have been...

as per the lori girl..see her mouf life dessert..lol...wobia!

Anonymous said...

God mehn!!!ur sooooooo funny.more n more n more n more n more puh-leezzzzzzzzzzzz......dis is like d bestest(i know it's wrong) blog everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Simply Gorgeous said...

Fineboy, I laughed and I laughed until I almost fell on the ground. You will pay my hospital bill. (smile)

First, who told you to release in your vehicle, why not in the open air ?

Two, that is what you get for dating older women, MC'ds is not going to do they have very expensive tastes.

This chick must be desperate there is no way I would have asked you out again after that stench in the car.

I love your writing though. Excellent post!!!

Vickii said...

Lolll, this is so funny! I was trying to think what I would have done if I was in her situation ... I think I'd probably have said something because I bet the smell was like the elephant in the room that no one talks about!

You are very funny! You need to update more often!

Palmoil stew said...

"Lord of Sharon?" made me laugh so hard I let one rip!

Nawa 4u, after subjecting her to your brand of chemical weapons you thought that she would not make you pay?

Fromn the way you described the mess, i suspect say you don give am internal bleeding sef.

Nice post.

Buy a bike :)

BABE PLUS said...

Fine boy, i love ur blogs o jare, i believe say now u hold ur own kankpe.

U fit locate AUNTY again show am say u don grow and u fit maintain am. ahaha ha ah

Nice one.

lolita said...

nice one, you tell it as you feel it. i no know why some sistas cant be a bit sympathetic, no worries you're allowed to bone her mail or better still string her along wiv words

bibi said...

whoa...i almost passed out in class reading this....ure hillarious...please keep more gist coming...

nala said...

update update update pls!!!i know u've got skool n all but i want 2 read more funny stories pls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lol

cool muthafucka said...

LMAOff Shieeeeet! That na some bad muthafucking luck hahaha

Next time after letting one rip..wind down all 4 windows and do a quick lap at 100mph....then relax lol

Moments said...

This was really hilarious.... I couldn't stop laughing man... You sef you no fear to carry aunty, ha ah ha... and then you do mess for inside car, haba!!! you could have come out in the open and then fill the atmosphere with you mess now lol...

Really cool post. Pls keep it rolling, I'll be back for some more.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL - well its really not her fault. You wanted to date aunty abi....LOLOL.......she's not foolish...who doesn't like free food..LOL.....I am still laughing tears running down my eye.......this is soooooo funny.

Dimples said...

LOL nice one..constantly reading ur blog..but havn't left a mark...

Finding it hard 2 be believe this story was way back..omo boi don't lie...u know this happened not to long ago...it's okay u can share with ut blog family..

Keep up the good work.

fluffycutething said...

Faine boy....

Take your time oh, you want make dem drive me from office???????? Haba i've been laughing since...

I think Aunty wanted to take her pound of flesh for u tormenting her wit the smell of ur stinking ...(lol) That's y she was eating so much!!!

What a disaster that must've been!!

Na wa

UnNaked Soul said...

LMAO!!! Fab gist brov... na so e suppose be... LOL

lucky for me, most of the older women I don date pay for the bill.. them dey form aunty for me, and i simply let dem... abi!

@waffarian: LMAO!!! that duvet stuvz is the illest.. LOL

iROCKORiGiNALiTY said...

HAHAHA! This is so funny, instead of me to be concentrating on class work im reading your blogg but I must admit, you hella funny mehn!

bimbylads said...

Mr fine boy.. kneel down there.. raise up ur hand and close ur eyes..
oya ...makuru, maga.. fast fast..!!


U MUST BE PUNISHED FOR MAKING ME LAFF LIKE THIS!! lmaooooo

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanx 4 stopping by y'all. you gus crack me up. Bimby, what the hell is makuru maga??? U guys won't kill me men...LOL

zaiprincesa said...

eww eww ewww, so gross......LMAO...

JJ said...

Lol!!! Aunty Lori gan o ni ojuti...she didn't see that you were a small college boy ni? You sha learnt your lesson abi? $65 on one meal?! I go quench! lmao @ she for order chocolate cake...or better yet dulce de leche cheesecake, hehe.

bimbylads said...

fineboy.. NA FROG JUMP!

cool muthafucka said...

LMAO @ Bimbylads....you fucking crack me up!

snazzy said...

one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I wonder how many guys who ever dated working women in college cringed as they remembered a similar experience. I know I did. Though obviously you are on your own with the whole messing in a car thing. Nice one.

imoted said...

OMG! This post is just too funny. It's a pity I could not laugh out loud like I wanted too. You should have seen me trying not to laugh too hard at the office, they must not catch me reading blogs. LOL. Nice Post.

Bella Naija said...

Wait...y did I just discover this blog!
I luv it...wooooot! u r sooo funny!
I'll be back tomorrow..

bibi said...

i had to come bak and read the 2nd time...the 1st time i read this i was in class and couldnt laugh out loud.....lmao @ "warm mediterrenean salad"....

Mr.Fineboy said...

@zaiprincessa, u can pose eh!
@JJ, that aunty wicked o!
@Bimby, ok! LOL
@coolmofo,snazzy, imoted and bibi..thanx for coming thru!
@bellanaija...thanx 4 the comment, u have a great blog too!

Naija Jinx said...

Omo, mo gba tie , see as I am laffing as if I collected cane for school!! Mad kuddos

AbujaBabe said...

My Goodness!! lmao!!! Nah you are tooo hilarious i don wake my Nephew now with laughter i beg oh!!!.

Imagine pele ooo the smell no go oh! pele...lol!! Chai!..

Na wow for Aunty sef!..lol

funny!...

omohemi Benson said...

I love this funny farting post of yours,keep it coming.
Poor aunty Lori,after u take mess kill am,how e no drain your pocket.

bhookey84 said...

hahahahhahaa ok im tired of leavin comments lol aunty lori, wobia oshi

Anonymous said...

Omg.. that cracked me right up.. im even still laughin as i type lol..

Idemili said...

Hahahahahahahahaahahhahah! Maybe she paid you back for the evil fart?!

mimi said...

ha ha, i'm reely likin you.
pele, high mentainance, u too u wan carry big chick, buoy everythin has its price.
one thing i love my adopted motherland for,(germany)it is perfectly normal for a girl to pay for her meal on a date, the waiter asks you the man if you'd be paying separately or together and you decide, taches u to watch out next time..lol

arike said...

Ok, I actually printed out the 'Aunty Lori' blog and I was reading it at my hair salon and the guy sitting next to me thought I was crazy cuz I was howling with laughter. Men, you are good. Thanks for the humor. It makes my day feel so much better!

Anonymous said...

I'm not the one to leave comments but this story was particularily funny. Hilarious! I mean, I was literally in tears... Good story.

Thoughts of a Virgo said...

nice nice, ur so funny. check out my blog wen u can jsilla.blogspot.com

cally-waffybabe said...

Men my pikin don wake up. You see as my laughter loud fineboy? Kai now i understand why you said i must read. Damn this Yankee aunty bin get sense oh. You for just tell am make una split the bill jare. Afterall you were still too young to front anyway, and shey na Yankee babe na? LOL.

RomanticVoice said...

hahahahahhahhaah i laughed and my landlady came all the way from her palace down to my lil crib yepah!!!mama landlady would have kicked my ass outta her house!!!u sabi this european ppl ehhh?so ra e o fineboy so ra e oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo u wan kill me with laughterrrrrrrrrr haba!!!good job:)