Monday, March 12, 2007

Lagos on my mind-random recollections

Men, I just spoke to my bro LL on the phone men. He's like 10 years older than me, and is an official 'Lagos big boy.' The dude always bloody depresses me when I speak to him. That's how last month he was yarning me how he and his boys were rolling out to New York for fashion week. Imagine! Me wey I dey live for NY before sef, them never born me make I dey go fashion week when I dey there....and these are guys earning naira!

You shoulda seen LL and his boys in Lagos last December. Those guys roll hard, and they were just looking at us Jand and Yankee boys like jokers! In fact, one time we were on LL's friend Akin's boat on our way to Ilado beach, and the guy was constantly saying "Tell those your London friends! We go mess them! That one that they'll be coming to Lagos with their little £1,000.00 and want to be speaking fonee, talking to Lagos babes....na lie this year o! We go finish them!"

Me I no talk o. Chai, little 1k pounds ke?

As in, I'd be chilling in VIP at La Casa with LL and his guys and there'd just be Cristal bottles everywhere. I swear I've never shacked so much champagne in my life. Even at the famous all-white beach party, LL and his guys rolled up with a cooler full of Veuve Clicquot.The only thing I was constantly thinking in Lagos was how much i couldn't wait to move back to Nige. Dunno how some people can settle abroad for ever. Men Naija sweet o.

Last Christmas, I used to roll with nothing less than 30k in my pocket. It's ridiculous how much money you spend in lagos though, like on some days I'd end up spending so much dough on a night out, that I'd have to go to the Standard Chartered ATM at the Palms to collect another 40 or 50k. I don't even think it's so much buying stuff as much as it's unforeseen expenses.

Everywhere you go, somebody is hailing you, and as I'm a big softie, i go just dey throway money. It's not hard to get me.....my head go just dey swell.

Bouncer at Bacchus: Big Bros!!! Respect!!! Na you o bros, u just dey shine!

Me:You this guy sef, u don come again...oya hold this one. (1k)

The good thing about squaring the Bacchus guys is that when they know you, you never have to be queing and struggling to get in, or fighting to enter VIP. And me I can't do non-VIP in Naija o!

Dude on Wheelchair outside Silverbird: Ha!! Egbon mi!!!! O ti lo wa ju! Oloun! American bobo, wa sere jo! (Big brother, you're too fly man! I swear to God!)

Me: Gba gba, ko to sa mi tan. (Here, here, before you sing me all the praises in the world.) (N500)

Wheelchair Dude: More blezzings egbon mi! More blezzings!!!

That wheelchair dude got my money every freaking time I saw him. He would roll alongside me as I walked all the way to my car. Am I really soft or is it just an ego thing? Men I don't know. It's just the Naija way.

As nice as it is when the area boys are singing ur praises, the other side can be scary as hell. One day during this last trip, I was rolling down the lekki-epe express on my way back to VGC from the phone store at Silverbird. I had to buy a new phone 'cos one olori-buruku had fapped my phone from my pocket at Vault the night before. I had been shacking Henny and Powerhorse all night so I didn't even miss it when the bastard took it. Don't ask me why I even went to that Vault o! Anyway, there was traffic and I hadn't realised that my window was still down from when I first got into the car and had wanted to allow my AC to cool.

I was sat there looking down at my new phone, when I heard a voice in my car that startled the shit outta me. Omo! This agbero was leaning so far into my window, he was practically halfway inside my car.

Area boy: Egbon mi! E wa n kan fun mi ni beyen! Mi o ti jeun lataro. (Big brother, find me something, I haven't eaten all day o)

The dude wasn't smiling and he had that classic gruff, coarse-as-hell area boy voice. Now I'm thinking 'Shit!This guy wants to rob my ass.' My pocket is full of 1k notes, about 25 of them and I damned sure don't wanna even think about pulling out the bundle. So I start looking around the car like somebody might have left some dough on a seat. I'm shitting myself at this point, and then have an idea. I open the coin compartment in my car and lo and behold there are three dirty N20 notes that I must have gotten as change from the last mallam that sold me PK. I hand them over to him.

Area boy: Emi le n fun le lehi. Iwo le fi elei jeun ni? O fe fumble abi? (It's me you're giving this one. Would this buy YOU a meal? You want to fumble abi?)

Kai. I'm sweating like a Sallah goat now, just waiting for this cursed lagos traffic to move. God knows what this guy's carrying.

Me: Ahn ahn. Duro now. (Wait now.)

I bend forward like there's money under my seat. He starts looking down as well, and I've spotted a nice space where the traffic has started moving in the other lane. Without looking up, I slowly move my joint into gear and freaking zoomed forward into the next lane! The guy was so shocked he almost fell over! I immediately wound up my window and locked my doors. Until I got home, I swear my heart didn't stop beating. I never carried all my money in a bundle again after that.

Another interesting thing about Lagos last December was the amount of beautful women out there. Damn! From the Yankee babes to the London babes to the ones my boys and I like to call 'local talent,' they were there boku boku. And how come babes at weddings are always looking super fine? I don't have an explanation for that one o. I won't name names but there were a lot of Nigerian girls looking hot in lagos this December o.

Speaking of weddings, I had to go to quite a few last December. I had of course got out the Boss and Armani suits and was finishing them o. As in, the ladies were feeling dude. The one wedding that I was looking forward to was my cousin Jide's though. His new bride was 25 and is a former QC babe. You know what that means. BABEFEST!

So that morning, I decided to get a trim and a shave, just to look extra fresh, as I really didn't need a haircut. I couldn't be bothered to go to my regular barber, T Diddy all the way on the mainland. So I drove up to the barbershop at VGC's shopping mall. As I walked in, I called my little cousin on the phone, "Dare, who's the best barber in here?" He tells me it's one guy called ChiChi. So I ask for ChiChi.

ChiChi: Good afternoon sir, oh Dare is your cousin? Hah, welcome welcome! Sit down, bros.

I tell him I just want a little trim, and that he should just follow the pattern. Just clip it a little and line me up.
That's how the guy just started o.

ChiChi: So you live in London bros?

Me: yeah

ChiChi: Bros, i tell you, if i go to that side, I know I'm gon' make it men. Hah!

The dude starts singing Akon's 'Locked Up' in the worst voice ever. I'm trying to figure out why this joker is auditioning for me.

Chichi: (laughing): Bros I'm telling you! If I enter that side ehn! Hah! I do rnb, hip-hop, slow rap, rugged rap..

Omo! I'm wondering what the hell is going on here. The guy was just yarning away in his fake American/British/Moroccan accent. Next thing I know, grrrrnnnnnn! The guy just bloody well shaved off everything on the side of my head!!! Sopono o! And he just kept yarning. At this point, I didnt even want to confuse him by saying anything. I was just waiting. Damn. Long story short, when the guy was done ehn, i was looking like one of those little bush boys running on the side of the road. A little higher on top, sides low, one a little higher than the other tho, no fade. All my waves gone! Come and see my hairline! That shit was so crooked and so far back, it was beyond repair. Was this guy really a barber? Omo, I was weak. I just gave the guy his dough and walked out. The guy even had the nerve to ask his father to come back and see him. 'God punish you' i thought to myself.

Men, I tried every thing in the world to fix that shit with my hairbrush. No luck. Needless to say, I got to the wedding looking fresh to death otherwise. Kai. My older bro LL saw me in the church and just burst out laughing. E no go better for ChiChi I swear.

Meanwhile I saw this popular, hot former QC chick at the wedding reception that I hadnt seen in ages. She lives in America now, and men she was looking super-delicious. We talked for ages, but i was bloody paranoid. I kept feeling like she was staring at my crooked-ass hairline when she looked at me. I finally had to make a joke out of it.

"Men see this nonsense haircut that one yeye barber cut on my head this morning o."

You know one of those ones that you're expecting that the other person would say "It's not bad now, you're still a cutie." Men the babe just looked at it and started laughing o. I swear I didnt even want to yarn again. She didn't even disagree with me. Her papa.

54 comments:

Vickii said...

Lol, Lagos big boys ... I can't even imagine how much money those guys make! I went to new cafe with a friend of a friend and his friend was toasting this girl, this boy bought 4 bottles of champagne over the course of a couple of hours at over 30k a pop!

You stay in VGC too in Lagos, I do too when I go at christmas.

I went back two years ago for the first time and last year was the first time I seriously considered that I could move back but I'm still not sure ...

Lol at your haircut, the fact that the girl could laugh probably just meant she felt comfortable with you!

Mr.Fineboy said...

Lol, Vickii...I know right? I'm pretty sure I'm ready to go. It'll be a bit strange at first, but it won't be that bad, trust me. Yeah right @ her feeling 'comfortable' with me! lol. Thanks for stopping by hun, I appreciate it!

cool muthafucka said...

LOL! meen babaalaye has a serious rival here.
More!

ps dont wind down ur window in traffic in Nige meen, even if there are ten flies in your whip trust me..

bimbylads said...

lolllllll.. nice blog.. luving it already..where have u been?? loll.. ill be back! lol.. bournvita coming ya way bro!!

Mr.Fineboy said...

lol@cool mutha...men, even if my ac blow, omo i go dey roast inside the heat like that. The devil is a liar

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanks for stopping by Bimbylads!!! I'm your biggest fan!

Vickii said...

Okay, final question ... what letter does your first name start with? I've looked at the pictures again and think I might know who you are.

Noni Moss said...

Hmmm - interesting blog - you had me cracking up for real.

Yup - I think you're giving BabaAlaye a run for his money ;-)

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanks for stopping by Noni! And thanks for the compliment, but Baba Alaye is the father of this blog democracy o!! lol

Vickii said...

Yup, know who you are now, you're standing with d and another guy in one of the photos right!

Lol, finally figured you out. I was looking at the pictures with my friend when we just got back from Lagos and she wanted to know who you were because she thought you were hot, and I couldn't tell her because I didn't know .... lol, now I can.

Nice to meet you again! I don't think we were introduced before though.

LondonBuki said...

LOL @ your post! You left your window wound down ke? Please don't try that one again!

I was quite amazed at how much money some people had in Lagos... obscene amounts!

You are funny and I'll add you to my 'New Blogs list'.

londonnaijachic said...

Saw ur comment on bimby's blog and i said "ehn Mr fineboy, got to check out this blog" if not for anything but because of the name.
You had me in fits of laughter about your experience with chichi the barber and the areaboy encounter.Nice One!!!

Mr.Fineboy said...

lol@Vicki...yup, that's the one.
londonbuki, thanks 4 stopping by and adding me to ur list...
londonnaijachick, thanks for stopping by hun!

teekay said...

Loving ur blog, u this fine lad....and for real he is a fine boy. Yo u had me in stiches man...keep blogging dude!!!

P.S next time invite this babe out when ur popping the champers now..dont be stingy

Cheetarah said...

Lol at the audition by Akon jnr which caused you to loose ur hairline.
Lol at 'lagos big boi's'
Nice blog.
Welcome to london, there lots to look foward 2:gray skies,rain, unfriendly people,angry bus drivers, fantastic shopping and the month of july!

Mr.Fineboy said...

lol@cheetarah...thanks for stopping by.

Celebrity said...

You had me LMAO, verry entertaining. I loved the Yoruba mix cos it was stuff that I could understand plus it took the gist to another level. Great job.

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanks celebrity!

bibi said...

wow!! nice blog!! ill be reading..

lol at all dse area boys...i fear them ehn..bwhhahaha...make pesin no go woze me one woze that my cheeks would swell up..

Anonymous said...

A young popular jingo? If that's the case, it won't be hard to suss you out... the circle is too small and not too many of us(yeah I said us) used to live in New York and just moved back to jand. Another thing, the "popular" guys I know DON'T have time for long blogs...they're busy being popular.

Mr.Fineboy said...

LOL@Bibi.....thanks for stopping by
Thanks to anonymous, the other popular jingo who's not too busy to be leaving comment on blogs!

Simply Gorgeous said...

Mr. Fine boy ( I am loving the name by the way). Sorry about your haircut(smile). That girl was probably looking at your do before you said anything. Girls do notice things like that.

My advice to you do not eat bimbylads forest pepper soup. She tried to eh- hem ,(cough) poison me before. (smile)

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

Oya u need to chop knock on ur head for throwing away money like that. Haba! so u too wan do Lagos big boi? Yes o QC babes and forming. Usef, u see boi wey den nickname Chichi and u carry head go meet him, abeg jo i no pity u. Anyways, me i'm gbadun-ing ur blog seriously.

bimbylads said...

simplygawjuz!!!! osi gini?.. u don follow me come here again? allow me and mr fine boy o.. let him drink my pepper zoup in pizz. jealousy no go kill u..

(sings: some people jealous me (x3) ....becos of my peppersoooouuupp)

Mr.Fineboy said...

LOL@Cherub, simplygorgous and Bimb! You blogger people r seriously funny o! Bloody hell!

Calabar Gal said...

LOL at ur haircut!!!! Pele!!!

linany06 said...

This has got to be one of the funniest blogs I have read in a while. I can also relate to a lot of the happenings in Lagos as per big boys. I'm based in New York and was in najia for the summer, had such a blast. I'm going back in may.

Fineboy, you have a really good sense of humor, please keep writing, we sure are reading.

AbujaBabe said...

You are hilarious!! i beg mek i no choke, vomit laughter oh!!!

I love Lagos ooo!! Money is for spending joh! I do make it a point of duty to go every time when in Naija!!

I do prefer ABJ But i have had some mad!!!! trips in Lagos oh!!!
I love VGC Reminds me of Abuja

wienna said...

Abeg, bring more stories. Tears couldn't stop rolling down my eyes due to laughing. U're so wickedly funny.

Anonymous said...

I think the girl felt comfortable with you or didnt want to hurt your feelings. she probably really thought that you were cute too. Funny keep it coming

Anonymous said...

Do you still keep in contact with the girl at the wedding ?

bhookey84 said...

lol @ qc babe laughing at u instead of sayin it wasnt so badddd, qc babes...evil gurls mehn, im a product so i would know abi.....those agberos are mad scary tho...pls wind up next time o LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO @ the guy auditioning for u now lol, he thot u would hook him up with some type producer now as per u be yankee/jand boi

chidi said...

nice blog! check mine out

Mrs Somebody said...

hmmm....you try-o to be dolling out 1k to bouncers and .500k to beggars.I once gave a beggar 10naira and he looked @ me and laughed then moved away to his colleague beggars saying ...naira goma,naira goma laughing and hissing @ me.

Senorita said...

Fineboy your are "special" arent you. Men you are so funny I cant stop laughing. This is like my 5th time reading it and I am still cracking up over here. Hurry up and post another blog cant wait

Mr.Fineboy said...

thanx for stopping by y'all. Senorita,I have stuff to put up for you, but I want as many people as possible to have read what's up there first. Got some gist for u tho..lol

BOBBY said...

Okay i cant...i cant read this any more, i almost pissed on myself.

Fine boy...bye bye...i just cant.

You will kill me.

Have a great day. Good bye!

Mr.Fineboy said...

lol@Bobby...thanks for stopping by bro..

adumaadan - Blacktinkerbell said...

omigosh! my fish in chilli sauce just came out my nostrils. Please, put a huge banner over your blog warning potential readers of the hazardous nature of your gist. Don't mind the yeye girl jare. Sure you didn't look worse than the average person who gets his hair cut by a carpenter. Lol! This is too much, too much, I say.

Blog police. said...

Look a here!!! Its been almost a week since you updated theis blog. I'm gonna need you to step up or step out... Comprende?

Mr.Fineboy said...

lol@blog police. Officer no vex abeg. Imagine, this damn blogger wouldn't let me save all my yarns o....and next thing I know I've lost it all! Update coming today tho!

ijeoma obu iheoma said...

lmao.. "her papa"?

aloted said...

LOL..oh my gosh! U are so funny and graphic...
Have we met??

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanx 4 stopping by everyone! Dont think so aloted.

Dami said...

Yes o, correct guy! i love them lagos gist

Chameleon said...

hmmmn, 'Jide O' is ur cousin huh? interesting...

fab post

Mr.Fineboy said...

Thanx 4 stopping by dami and don't know any Jide O, chameleon.

Yosh said...

"Emi le n fun le lehi. Iwo le fi elei jeun ni? O fe fumble abi?"

Hahahaha, I'm trying to imagine the baritone-coarse voice combo! But that was a fast move, there o!

Toni Payne said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!. gosh you are sooo like me i swear, all your reactions. Chichi reminds me of an incident that happened to me a few weeks back. Almost the same scenario o, talking about going abroad and doing the exact opposite of what I asked for, and like a little punk I still payed and left. lol

Omara said...

Please! I can't laugh any more.

Idemili said...

Ok,I'm going to change my bloody knickers because of you!You owe me a new set. See blog for details!

mimi said...

haha, thats an experience, from the random area boys to the beggars and down to your haircut, i know the shop, i stay in vgc as well...but at least she laughed

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lmfao... this was fucking funny dude... dang me i sha want reach naija as una dey yarn am sweet sweet... i need to go and discover and rediscover...

cally-waffybabe said...

Hahaha fineboy, i promised myself not to laugh after you gave me this assignment to read your entire blog cos your sense of humour is always da bomb.

Abeg no cuss my papa oh, na innocent laughter. LOL. But from what i've heard, haircut no fit dabaru ya fineness na so chill dude. *still laughing*