Aunty Lori.....

I AM SO PISSED! I lost some crazy gist that I had for you guys, thanks to this blogger thing, which didn't work at all for like 4 days! For some reason it wouldn’t let me save or put the post up and it didn’t allow me to copy and paste either. After I lost it twice, I thought 'forget it' and was gonna just check my e-mail and go back to bed. Then I saw this e-mail and I was like “I gots to give you this gist briefly.” LOL.

It read “Hey Fineboy, I haven’t heard from you in like forever! How are you doing? What are you up to now? Bet your still being a little player. Holla at me baby! xxxx Lori.”

Okay, so Lori’s this ‘aunty’ that I went out one date with. It’s not even like that…lol….it’s just that my flatmate in Yankee, Akinzo, used to call every woman that was more than four years older than us ‘aunty.’ Lori was 29, and we met at this really nice chill spot on a night out with my partners in crime, Akinzo, Roroski and Mr. Diablo. I thought she was hot, and I could also tell that she was older.

I was only like 21 then, and was half-expecting her to slap the hell outta me when I walked up to her. A Nigerian ‘aunty' woulda been like “Who’s your mate???” But Yankee’s a different world altogether.... Lori was actually really interested, and we exchanged numbers and then talked on the phone and exchanged e-mails a few times.

Lori and I arranged a date. The plan was to meet at her apartment and then go out and do something. I thought we were gonna chill at her apartment for a little while, probably knock back a couple of drinks, and then go to dinner or something.

As I drove into the underground parking lot of her apartment building, I called her to let her know I was close by. I parked up, and then looked in the mirror to make sure say everything dey correct order.

Omo, na so my stomach begin do anyhow o. Of all times, why now, ehn? I let one rip briefly, make the thing no go catch me inside her apartment now. Gaddem!!! It was silent, but quite poisonous and deadly. Wowsers! Who begged me to eat that jollof indomie and egg that Akinzo cooked last night now? Too much pepper men. Lord have mercy. Even me sef that I was the culprit, I jumped out of the car and slammed the door quick, fast and in a hurry. Whew!

As I comot the car, I begin wiggle and shake well well, make the aroma no go follow me inside now. Haba! You guys can pose o! U no dey mess? Ha! Even my hot, uber-bougie babe dey mess o!

Anyhow, I picked up my phone and called Lori,

“Hey hun, what floor are you on?”

“I’m already downstairs cutie!”

I turned around and saw Lori walking towards me. She looked hot as usual. See body! We hugged.

“You ready?” she asked

“Yep,” I said and started looking around for her car.

“We’ll take yours.” She said and started walking towards my car.

Hehn!! Mine ke?

“It’s the black beemer right?”

“Err, yeah”

Chineke! That’s how I started whispering a prayer o. “Almighty Lord, King of Kings, rose of Sharon, God of Jacob…..Lord of miracles…..please Lord just do me this one miracle….please God let the stench have dissolved before we get to the car…..wonderful Jesus, please….”

We got to the car in like three seconds! I now started fidgeting around with my keyless entry remote like it wasn’t working…just to allow a couple more seconds for the horrible whiff to disintegrate.

Like a true gentleman, I opened the door for her and went around to my side. When I opened the door…JESU KRISTI!!!!!

Men the stench was as thick and potent as ever! Wowsers! I looked over at Lori. Men, the babe was just staring straight ahead, cross-eyed, like she was about to faint. The babe sef no even wan open mouth, make she no go vomit. I was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to say. It was now freezing outside again, so I had to turn on the heater. Imagine… real hot mess!

We got to this restaurant that Lori directed me to. As we entered, I noticed the place looked rather swank. But I had done my budgeting, pata pata I go spend like 60 bucks, no shaking. The waiter brought the menus.

AGBABIAKA O!!!

See prices! Ha! That’s how she now started ordering.

“May I please have the crispy risotto arancini for my starter……erm and the Canadian veal over haricots verts for my entrée…….and a glass of Sauvignon blanc please?”

Ehn! This aunty wicked o! I started calculating. Yeepa! Lori’s meal alone had entered like 65 card! Omo, I scanned that thing up and down like five times. I knew I had like 125 bucks in the account, but cable company never comot their own money inside o. And I still had to buy petrol. Chai!

Allow me now, I was still a broke-ass college student then!

“May I please have the warm Mediterranean salad…and still water…”

And I was starrrrrving o. The waiter sef looked at me like I was a madman. But I had to be careful, and that was like the cheapest option. If not, na me and aunty Lori for wash all the plates for their kitchen that night. The were waiter even brought a bottle of still water o, when all I wanted was a glass from the tap or sump’n!

The food came and Lori was just quaffing away. Kai, I was salivating men…her food looked meaty and scrumptious. And it smelled sooooo good men. Me, I just begin pack salt and pepper on top my salad to garnish am. Na God go punish this aunty agbaya o. She didn’t even offer me a taste of her meal, and had the nerve to say my salad looked ‘lovely’!

After we finished eating, Lori goes to the waiter,

“Oh I don’t think I have anymore space for dessert…”

Ehn Ehn! You for order chocolate cake now!!!! See her mouth like dessert.

Men, when the bill came, if you see the way I boned up ehn! The waiter sef wanted to laugh. I just paid it and we got out of there.

Throughout the ride back, Lori was just yarning away, all happy, while my own belle was still rumbling. I wanted to say to her, “It’s not your fault. Your stomach is full abi?”

I dropped her off, and for ages after that, she kept asking for another date.

Not I o. Not Fineboy. You don see mugu?