Lagos on my mind-random recollections

Men, I just spoke to my bro LL on the phone men. He's like 10 years older than me, and is an official 'Lagos big boy.' The dude always bloody depresses me when I speak to him. That's how last month he was yarning me how he and his boys were rolling out to New York for fashion week. Imagine! Me wey I dey live for NY before sef, them never born me make I dey go fashion week when I dey there....and these are guys earning naira!

You shoulda seen LL and his boys in Lagos last December. Those guys roll hard, and they were just looking at us Jand and Yankee boys like jokers! In fact, one time we were on LL's friend Akin's boat on our way to Ilado beach, and the guy was constantly saying "Tell those your London friends! We go mess them! That one that they'll be coming to Lagos with their little £1,000.00 and want to be speaking fonee, talking to Lagos babes....na lie this year o! We go finish them!"

Me I no talk o. Chai, little 1k pounds ke?

As in, I'd be chilling in VIP at La Casa with LL and his guys and there'd just be Cristal bottles everywhere. I swear I've never shacked so much champagne in my life. Even at the famous all-white beach party, LL and his guys rolled up with a cooler full of Veuve Clicquot.The only thing I was constantly thinking in Lagos was how much i couldn't wait to move back to Nige. Dunno how some people can settle abroad for ever. Men Naija sweet o.

Last Christmas, I used to roll with nothing less than 30k in my pocket. It's ridiculous how much money you spend in lagos though, like on some days I'd end up spending so much dough on a night out, that I'd have to go to the Standard Chartered ATM at the Palms to collect another 40 or 50k. I don't even think it's so much buying stuff as much as it's unforeseen expenses.

Everywhere you go, somebody is hailing you, and as I'm a big softie, i go just dey throway money. It's not hard to get me.....my head go just dey swell.

Bouncer at Bacchus: Big Bros!!! Respect!!! Na you o bros, u just dey shine!

Me:You this guy sef, u don come again...oya hold this one. (1k)

The good thing about squaring the Bacchus guys is that when they know you, you never have to be queing and struggling to get in, or fighting to enter VIP. And me I can't do non-VIP in Naija o!

Dude on Wheelchair outside Silverbird: Ha!! Egbon mi!!!! O ti lo wa ju! Oloun! American bobo, wa sere jo! (Big brother, you're too fly man! I swear to God!)

Me: Gba gba, ko to sa mi tan. (Here, here, before you sing me all the praises in the world.) (N500)

Wheelchair Dude: More blezzings egbon mi! More blezzings!!!

That wheelchair dude got my money every freaking time I saw him. He would roll alongside me as I walked all the way to my car. Am I really soft or is it just an ego thing? Men I don't know. It's just the Naija way.

As nice as it is when the area boys are singing ur praises, the other side can be scary as hell. One day during this last trip, I was rolling down the lekki-epe express on my way back to VGC from the phone store at Silverbird. I had to buy a new phone 'cos one olori-buruku had fapped my phone from my pocket at Vault the night before. I had been shacking Henny and Powerhorse all night so I didn't even miss it when the bastard took it. Don't ask me why I even went to that Vault o! Anyway, there was traffic and I hadn't realised that my window was still down from when I first got into the car and had wanted to allow my AC to cool.

I was sat there looking down at my new phone, when I heard a voice in my car that startled the shit outta me. Omo! This agbero was leaning so far into my window, he was practically halfway inside my car.

Area boy: Egbon mi! E wa n kan fun mi ni beyen! Mi o ti jeun lataro. (Big brother, find me something, I haven't eaten all day o)

The dude wasn't smiling and he had that classic gruff, coarse-as-hell area boy voice. Now I'm thinking 'Shit!This guy wants to rob my ass.' My pocket is full of 1k notes, about 25 of them and I damned sure don't wanna even think about pulling out the bundle. So I start looking around the car like somebody might have left some dough on a seat. I'm shitting myself at this point, and then have an idea. I open the coin compartment in my car and lo and behold there are three dirty N20 notes that I must have gotten as change from the last mallam that sold me PK. I hand them over to him.

Area boy: Emi le n fun le lehi. Iwo le fi elei jeun ni? O fe fumble abi? (It's me you're giving this one. Would this buy YOU a meal? You want to fumble abi?)

Kai. I'm sweating like a Sallah goat now, just waiting for this cursed lagos traffic to move. God knows what this guy's carrying.

Me: Ahn ahn. Duro now. (Wait now.)

I bend forward like there's money under my seat. He starts looking down as well, and I've spotted a nice space where the traffic has started moving in the other lane. Without looking up, I slowly move my joint into gear and freaking zoomed forward into the next lane! The guy was so shocked he almost fell over! I immediately wound up my window and locked my doors. Until I got home, I swear my heart didn't stop beating. I never carried all my money in a bundle again after that.

Another interesting thing about Lagos last December was the amount of beautful women out there. Damn! From the Yankee babes to the London babes to the ones my boys and I like to call 'local talent,' they were there boku boku. And how come babes at weddings are always looking super fine? I don't have an explanation for that one o. I won't name names but there were a lot of Nigerian girls looking hot in lagos this December o.

Speaking of weddings, I had to go to quite a few last December. I had of course got out the Boss and Armani suits and was finishing them o. As in, the ladies were feeling dude. The one wedding that I was looking forward to was my cousin Jide's though. His new bride was 25 and is a former QC babe. You know what that means. BABEFEST!

So that morning, I decided to get a trim and a shave, just to look extra fresh, as I really didn't need a haircut. I couldn't be bothered to go to my regular barber, T Diddy all the way on the mainland. So I drove up to the barbershop at VGC's shopping mall. As I walked in, I called my little cousin on the phone, "Dare, who's the best barber in here?" He tells me it's one guy called ChiChi. So I ask for ChiChi.

ChiChi: Good afternoon sir, oh Dare is your cousin? Hah, welcome welcome! Sit down, bros.

I tell him I just want a little trim, and that he should just follow the pattern. Just clip it a little and line me up.
That's how the guy just started o.

ChiChi: So you live in London bros?

Me: yeah

ChiChi: Bros, i tell you, if i go to that side, I know I'm gon' make it men. Hah!

The dude starts singing Akon's 'Locked Up' in the worst voice ever. I'm trying to figure out why this joker is auditioning for me.

Chichi: (laughing): Bros I'm telling you! If I enter that side ehn! Hah! I do rnb, hip-hop, slow rap, rugged rap..

Omo! I'm wondering what the hell is going on here. The guy was just yarning away in his fake American/British/Moroccan accent. Next thing I know, grrrrnnnnnn! The guy just bloody well shaved off everything on the side of my head!!! Sopono o! And he just kept yarning. At this point, I didnt even want to confuse him by saying anything. I was just waiting. Damn. Long story short, when the guy was done ehn, i was looking like one of those little bush boys running on the side of the road. A little higher on top, sides low, one a little higher than the other tho, no fade. All my waves gone! Come and see my hairline! That shit was so crooked and so far back, it was beyond repair. Was this guy really a barber? Omo, I was weak. I just gave the guy his dough and walked out. The guy even had the nerve to ask his father to come back and see him. 'God punish you' i thought to myself.

Men, I tried every thing in the world to fix that shit with my hairbrush. No luck. Needless to say, I got to the wedding looking fresh to death otherwise. Kai. My older bro LL saw me in the church and just burst out laughing. E no go better for ChiChi I swear.

Meanwhile I saw this popular, hot former QC chick at the wedding reception that I hadnt seen in ages. She lives in America now, and men she was looking super-delicious. We talked for ages, but i was bloody paranoid. I kept feeling like she was staring at my crooked-ass hairline when she looked at me. I finally had to make a joke out of it.

"Men see this nonsense haircut that one yeye barber cut on my head this morning o."

You know one of those ones that you're expecting that the other person would say "It's not bad now, you're still a cutie." Men the babe just looked at it and started laughing o. I swear I didnt even want to yarn again. She didn't even disagree with me. Her papa.